Steven Wright Quotations

Guest Author - Danielle Hollister

Celebrate National Humor Month with this amusing collection of funny quotations from famous comedians.

by Steven Wright

"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney..."
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again."
"I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead; you couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by."
"I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen."
"I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious!"
"I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age."
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it."
"I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
"I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically."
"I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is."
"Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that.""
"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others."
"It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it."
"My theory on evolution is that Darwin was adopted."
"(Referring to a glass of water) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!"
"Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here.""
"There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot."
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"