Guest Author - Paula Petrie

Parents who are most successful in helping children manage their moods, take responsibility for managing their own feelings. Children model how to deal with emotions through watching how parents and siblings express their emotions; and also by watching television or movies, and reading books. Playing video games even plays a role in how kids react emotionally. One of the key ingredients for emotionally successful children is the ability to handle their moods. They need great books, movies, and personal experiences to emulate.

Some pointers to help kids learn effective mood management include:

When reading with children (or watching TV,) stop and discuss alternative actions and reactions in a situation. Discuss what might happen if they were to do or say something differently. Be careful not to "tell" children the outcome of their actions. Help them think things through.

Other people don’t cause children to feel a certain way. Kids need to learn not to expect or wait for others to make them happy. Children need to take responsibility for what they are feeling; for example, identifying their feeling as, "I feel sad." vs. "You are making me sad. This helps children see how they can fix situations for themselves. A child is more apt to deal with their anger (for example,) in a constructive way if they are not blaming someone else.

Working on acceptance or tolerance of the differences in other people's feelings, actions, or reactions. Help kids understand that we don't have to feel the same way to get along. Ask if children may know why another may be feeling, or acting a certain way, and encourage them to find out.

Children need to become responsible for their reactions. Kids need to learn to handle their feelings in a way that is relevant to the situation, and react thoughtfully and appropriately. For example, what someone says may hurt a child’s feelings; but, dealing with the hurt by pitching a fit may be going way overboard.

Kids need empathic reminders, alternatives, and practice doing something positive with adrenaline energy. This can't be accomplished by timeouts. For example, cueing themselves to get energized, not angry from the adrenaline will give kids the power to think clearly and reason through solutions.

Having practiced reactions to stressful situations also helps. For example calmly saying, "That was not a nice thing to say." And remember, kids are apt to say what has been said to them in a similar circumstance; having some thoughtful comments ready to use yourself, may be winning a good deal of the battle.

One way for children to maintain self-control through adrenaline is to practice taking slow, deep breaths.

Remembering to identify their feelings instead of labeling other people.

Thinking of polite thoughts or questions; thinking of what the other may be feeling

Regaining composure by seeing themselves as being OK

Allowing calmness to replace the wild, unsettled feeling created by adrenaline.

Asking a question or stating how they feel in a controlled manner.

Self-control grows stronger with practice. When a child in your home gets angry you could practice these skills together. Changing the way we react takes practice.

Making time to reflect on what they are feeling. For example, thinking things through may shed light on what is really causing a child to feel a certain way and help provide direction, or closure. Initially kids will need you to talk them through this. Bedtime is a great time for reflection; just ask your kids about their day and see what develops.

For kids to be emotionally successful they need to understand moods, and also take responsibility for their words and actions. More tips can be found in the article “The Mechanics of Getting Along”