Guest Author - Paula Petrie

Patience; the best is yet to come. Sibling rivalries, your kids bickering and yelling “Mom,” are facts of family life. However, if you can keep your cool these are great opportunities for teaching kids how to resolve conflicts through cooperation, problem solving, and negotiating solutions. Children can learn to be generous with their emotions and to share their precious possessions.

The severity and frequency of sibling rivalry depends on many things, including how the parent handles the fighting. The key to getting what you want, peace, lies in how calm, tolerant, and energetic, you can be. Soon, your kids may be quietly working things out.

To begin with, parents need to acknowledge each child’s individuality and accomplishments. As children are different ages and have different personalities, you shouldn’t treat them the same. Make sure to give kids things that are interesting to them and are not “just like” their siblings. Kids feel they have permission to blossom and grow when their individuality is appreciated. Avoid comparing children. For example, saying something like, “Your brother doesn’t act like that,” can intensify rivalry.

Children also need individual attention. Special alone time with children doesn’t have to be complicated. Simply sharing a conversation with your child about his day is a great way to strengthen your relationship. You should hug your children and tell them that they are loved, every day.

Children also need to be given the chance to talk about how they feel. Help siblings to express themselves, and in addition, to see the other child‘s point of view. Discuss with your children a few different ways to reach a compromise.

Make sure kids get time to themselves for individual hobbies and interests without being intruded upon by siblings. Sometimes it’s the higher stress times, or when one child needs some down time that will trigger a conflict.

Verbal conflicts are going to happen, and losing your cool or overreacting when they do can, and probably will, reinforce the annoying behavior. Parents should try to remain neutral in sibling fights.

However, before children can equitably handle arguments on their own, they need the tools to do so. Show children alternatives to fighting, such as negotiating a time schedule or trade, for example, or how to work out a compromise with a toy, game, or idea.

Kids need to know what "you guys get along" means. For example, rules like, no name-calling or taking another child‘s toy need explained. Time-outs should be used for really bad behavior. Otherwise, direct kids to work toward a fair and peaceful solution. Praise children trying to work things out. They will seek out this type of praise again.

Sometimes, no matter how much negotiating is tried, kids just can’t seem to get along. This is where you need to physically step in.

-Play a game with your kids, or stay close by for a time, to see the problem first hand and offer solutions.

-Defuse an arguement by having everyone set down on the floor with you and express their points of view.

-You could all work together on the same chore, to help ease conversation troubles.

-Have a schedule for “turns” with a toy, a chair, a seat in the car, etc.

-If you have a competitive child, have him learn a new skill, to compete against himself.

-Talk to your children or share stories during higher stress times to distract and occupy them.

Avoid saying things like, “You should be grateful you have a brother.” Instead acknowledge the child's anger with a sibling, for example, allowing your child to be honest about her feelings.

Children sometimes use tattling too one up a sibling. Ignore it. Say something like "I'm sorry you and your brother aren't getting along."

Kids do trust that parents will step in when fights become physical or if a child is being bullied, or treated very unfairly. Violence and intimidation are not ways to solve conflicts between family members.

There will always be disagreements between siblings. If you can patiently stick it out, (cause kids need your direction,) in the end sibling rivalry is helping children to grow up with a good understanding of themselves, an ability to be more tolerant, and more generous. Kids will survive it; the question is can you?