Guest Author - Diana Pederson

Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. and Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers. Surviving an Affair. Revell, a division of Baker Book House. 1998.

This the first book I’ve read on estranged or broken marriages that that talks about all issues involved when someone else comes between the spouses. The authors’ strategies for helping clients involved in such a situation make good sense to me and apparently, have worked for many of their clients. Actually, some of this book should be presented to each married couple before the affair even starts—it just might keep such a possibility from becoming a reality.

Contents

First, the authors begin by saying to their clients, “you can survive this affair”. Then they help them learn how and why affairs start and how they usually end. The authors also outline an excellent way to let affairs end naturally. They suggest such things as requiring that the errant spouse leave their job (if the affair is with a coworker) and even moving to a totally different area. Either or both of these solutions will help prevent further contact between their spouse and the person the affair was with.

Dr Harley and Dr. Chalmers spend four chapters talking about marital recovery. They created and explain several rules for recovery: the rules of protection, care, time, and honesty. Then they provide guides for dealing with the resentment and lack of trust caused by the affair and how to renew the couple’s commitment to their marriage.

I particularly liked the discussion of making enough “love deposits” in the spouse’s life to help them feel the marriage can be rescued. In my opinion, too many marriages break up because the spouse spent too much time at work or in other activities and not enough time meeting their spouse’s needs – clean house? home-cooked dinner? activities together?

Recommendation

“My wife is having an affair!” or “My husband is having an affair!” Parents: Has one of your grown sons or daughters come to you with those words? If so, I want to issue a strong recommendation that you purchase and give them this book, Surviving an Affair. If there are grandchildren, it may be the only way to ensure that those precious children finish growing up in a two-parent home. If those adult children decide to seek counseling, perhaps you could find a way to provide that counselor with a copy of this book and your own recommendation that it may help rescue the marriage even if one of the two had an affair.