Guest Author - Jacqueline Geller

Accepting “No”

Parenting consistently is a difficult task, particularly when moms are tired, which is often. It is much easier to give in than to stand firm. However, when children know what to expect, raising them is much easier and they become more responsible adults.

An example is when Mom decides that “no” is the answer to a request from a child. The child begins to whine. Mom is exhausted and finally gives in to the demand. While this is fully understandable, it does nothing to prepare the child for the “no” answers that are going to come in school or life in general. Accepting “no” is an important child rearing tool.

The process of accepting “no” should begin early on, but it is never too late to start. The important things are to start and not give in. The first few times will be difficult, particularly if the child is accustomed to Mom giving in eventually.

Should children be given reasons for a “no” answer? Absolutely, everyone deserves a reason for why they can or cannot do or have something. Once the reason is given, the discussion is over. If possible, ignore any more comments, whining or crying. Remember, children who are not accustomed to accepting “no” feel that they can wear Mom down eventually and get what they want. Patience and consistent behavior on Mom’s part is crucial to teaching this concept. The child eventually learns that Mom is not going to give in and that cajoling is not going to work.

Conversely, if a promise is made, that needs to be kept at all times. Parents should never promise something that they cannot deliver. It is important for children to learn that parents can be trusted to keep their word. The disappointment of broken promises, particularly from a trusted person, can cause irreparable damage to a child’s ability to judge whom to trust in life. Of course, extenuating circumstances occur and these also should be explained to the child, in language that is age appropriate.

When children know that their parents are people who stand firm and provide consistency in their lives, they can learn to operate within the boundaries set by parents. They also learn trust and security in their home environment. As they grow older, the home boundaries expand to include people outside the family circle.

As children get older and are more exposed to people outside their immediate circle, it is important for them to be able to choose appropriate friends, playmates, dates, work places and spouses. Parenting consistently will help them learn that they too can say “no” to something they do not want.