Parents sometimes have difficulty in using active listening when a child is talking. This can be a huge mistake in hindsight when something tragic happens; a child runs away, attempts to commit suicide or sneaks off to meet a “friend” he or she met online. Hearing what your child says is vastly different than listening to them as you multitask. To be an active listener one must stop everything else and focus his or her full attention on the person who is speaking.

I have taught my children to tell me “Mom this is important” if I am not totally focusing in on what he or she is saying at the time. In addition, I have alerted them to tell any grownup “this is an emergency” in the event of a fire or other situation where immediate action is necessary. It is important for parents to learn how to be an active listener, and to practice active listening when a child is talking to them.

Active listening is the ability to hear what the person is saying without forming a reply to the words spoken until the person has finished speaking. Active listening is non-judgmental. In the process of active listening, the listener should acknowledge he or she is hearing what the other person is saying by nodding when appropriate, and reflecting back pieces of spoken information. This interactive behavior shows you have grasped the concept and that you are indeed listening.

Another way to acknowledge you are actively listening to someone is by clarifying the information you are hearing. By clarifying with the speaker what he or she is saying you are indicating to the person speaking that you are following along in the conversation. The hardest part of active listening is not interrupting and changing the conversation with your own thoughts and ideas. The speaker is in charge of where the conversation goes, not the listener.

Be aware that active listening is a process that takes practice to master. The spoken word of our language is only one part of the whole process of active listening. You have heard the phrase “actions speak louder than words” and this is never as true as when it comes to active listening.

By watching, the speaker’s body language you will learn to pick up what the speaker is not saying aloud. The unspoken word is the most important thing to clarify when actively listening to someone. For instance if someone tells you they are calm and in control but are clenching their fist, I would be concerned about this mixed message. I would acknowledge that I hear them saying they are calm and in control but acknowledge that their clenched fists tells me that may not be the case.

If someone denies he or she is suicidal, but as he or she contracts for personal safety and refuses to look up and make eye contact, I would be concerned that he or she is not being completely forthcoming regarding his or her safety. On the other hand, if someone is openly able to discuss his or her plan and make positive eye contact I would feel more comfortable that he or she is being honest with me.

There are fascinating studies on how body language tells you what someone is really saying. By using one’s full observational skills to hear both the spoken and unspoken message, the listener will be able to determine whether the spoken word is congruent with the unspoken message, and if there is any inconsistency, you must clarify what you are hearing. Finally, remember to stay on topic, stay focused, and to practice active listening so you will not miss what someone is trying to tell you.