Setting Limits: Why You Should Say "No" and Mean It.

Setting limits for our adolescents is part skill, part knowledge, and part luck. Practice will improve the skill portion, information can ease the angst of making the decision and carrying it out, luck has to do with timing and intuition in delivery of the dreaded "no". But, the idea that saying "no" equals setting limits oversimplifies a more complicated process. Setting limits can mean outlining boundaries for safety and communication and can be the starting point for allowing more freedom. For parents to determine how and when to set limits requires understanding of some basic principles, such as tolerance of denial and level of maturity, in determining how much freedom is appropriate for an adolescent.

The first principle is that of tolerance of denial of immediate gratification, which works in concert with the emotional pain and pleasure center in the brain. Emotional growth for anyone concerns increasing their tolerance for stimulation in this brain center, which allows for tolerance of lower lows and higher highs without losing control of behavior. Through behavior, we consciously seek comfort or sameness, but unconsciously we seek risk, that which will foster growth by allowing us to increase the tolerance of pain in the pain center, which automatically increases our enjoyment of pleasure. As a parent or adult, you might say that an adolescent is "testing a limit" when they risk consequences by deliberately breaking a rule. Finding the hard and fast boundaries is an important part of adolescent growth and development.

The second principle is that of maturation, which can tell us why they do what they do and act like they act. Maturity and immaturity exist on a continuum and a spiral. The continuum tracks maturity in a linear way, such as chronologically, while the spiral of development tracks it through situations, some of which can cause rapid decrease or increases in maturity, under certain situations, such as in a crisis. This can occur at any age, but is likely to be more extreme during adolescence. One measure of maturity is to notice how much blaming is being done. Blaming is an irrational phenomenon; becoming defensive or apologizing for receiving it is also irrational. Avoiding conflict is another way to not say no or to not honor boundaries with another person. How someone responds to the word "no" is also a good indicator of maturity. The more intense their outrage, the more immature the response; and on the heels of outrage comes the excuses of why they should not have this limit. On the other hand, an adult who has to have an excuse to say no is indicating their over protectiveness and a possible "pocket" of immaturity on their part. Another thing about maturation is that it is not a finite goal to be achieved, it is infinite. We continue to grow emotionally as long as we live. We just all hope we can stay a little ahead of our adolescents in striving for the most mature response. Next time you set a limit, pay attention to their response. The shorter the time of blaming and excuses, the more maturation they are acquiring.

Although not new, an excellent source for more information is:

Poarch, J. E. (1990). Limits: The keystone of emotional growth. Muncie, ID: Accelerated Development, Inc.