It’s that time of year again; when we make promises to ourselves about something we want to change in our lives. Every year we decide we are going to change one thing or another about the way we live. And just about every year we fail. Sometimes it’s the decision to lose weight or to work out and get into that cute little outfit we’ve been eyeing in the store all year long. Then, all of a sudden, it’s like all the chocolate cake in the world is leaping at us from every direction. We ultimately give in and our resolutions are out the window. Why is this? Why do we fail when we try to change something?

A few years back, I wanted to change a small thing in my life. I wanted to live an authentic life. I wanted to be real with everyone and not be phony. This was hard for me because I had always felt that in order to be liked by everyone I had to conform to what I thought his or her opinion of whom I should be was. I would try to analyze what I thought they were thinking of me and alter my behavior so that they would only see me in a favorable light. Needless to say, I failed at this every time. I even got to the point that I thought that I could tell what kind of person someone was just by the first few things that came out of their mouth. I became very cynical and judgmental. I never gave people a chance. I didn’t trust people and tended to gravitate towards the negative in every social situation. It was a real bummer. As I withdrew myself, I noticed that instead of “making them come to me”, I was pushing people out of my life. I became lonely. I had no friends and had no one I could trust.

Then came New Years Eve one year, and I decided to live authentically. I realized that I wouldn’t always be right about people or situations. I began to understand that in order to have friends one must be a friend. Remember? My mother used to tell me that. I looked deep with in myself to find out what I thought was important. I realized that I was always looking outside myself to other people to fulfill a part of me that was missing. I saw very clearly the lies that I was living. How I was projecting who I wanted to be on others and when they didn’t live up to that standard, (of course, how could they, even I couldn’t), I would drop them like a hot potato. I began to make a different decision. I started with myself. I decided to accept myself and my faults and shortcomings. Every time I thought that I couldn’t come up with any more faults I would be rear ended by another one. The list got so long that I finally had to give up on listing them at all. Since “becoming easily discouraged” and “giving up too easy” were on my list of shortcomings, I had to press on. I decided to tell the truth in every situation. Initially, that got me nowhere; but eventually, I learned how to speak the truth in love. I learned how to love with my actions and my heart instead of my mouth. I began to make the decision in my head and demonstrate it with my life. I learned to have principals and live according to them even when it was against the norm.

I have found something awesome. I found myself. It doesn’t mean I don’t make mistakes or put my foot in my mouth ever, I do. But now I can honestly say I’m sorry, I can truthfully forgive those who have wronged me; I can put aside bitterness and resentment. I’m no longer living a lie. My yes means yes and my no means no. When I tell someone that I love them it is from my heart, not my head. I’m not trying to look good for others. I am being authentic. I’m real. I cry and I laugh and I love with my soul as well as my face. If I’m smiling it’s because I am happy, not because that’s what I want others to think I am. I am free.