Guest Author - C.S. Bezas

It has been said that a child hears seventeen negatives for every positive. Can this be true? The very children we bear through great effort, sacrifice for, pick up after, and serve are the very ones we destroy verbally? And yet perhaps it is because we do so much for them that we get so disappointed or disgusted when they don’t respond to what we ask.

It is difficult indeed to allow a child the space to grow and yet still shape that child to fit society’s boundaries. Perhaps that is why as parents we are always “picking” at our children. Oh, we may not see it as “picking”, but our children do.

Think of the last twenty-four hours in your family’s life. If you can bear the scrutiny, try to count how many positives your adolescent received from you, whether in the form of a hug, smiling eyes, or even a comment.

Now count how many negatives your adolescent received from you. Often times we are unaware of the glare in our faces as we look at our children. Perhaps when the glare is there, it is not even regarding your teen, but instead it is reflecting your ire against your boss, the lady that cut you off in traffic, or even something your spouse said. But your child sees the anger and perhaps believes they’ve done one more thing that has offended you.

My daughter is like a fragile flower. She immediately wilts under the heat of my frustration, regardless of whether she is the cause or not. Too many days in a row of my scalding looks, and her emotional turgidity approaches near wilting. When I notice her struggling, I immediately try to increase daily “afternoon showers” of love to help her recover.

But all too often, at least in the past, I didn’t notice. I was so busy with my own worries and preoccupations with adult responsibilities that I didn’t notice my flower-of-a-child wilting. Pretty soon, her attitude became worse and worse. She would begin to mouth off to practically everyone she came in contact with. She was unwilling to help around the house with chores. She spent more time alone in her bedroom.

It was only after I began to notice a correlation between my criticisms (or lack of love) with her and the ensuing difficult behaviors that I could effectuate change with her. It would usually take a week or more of intense attention and reassuring moments before her flowered nature would begin to revive. But soon enough, she would turn her heart to me just as a flower does to the sun. Openheartedly she would embrace me back into her life.

So these days, I try to keep in mind the 17-to-1 ratio of comments and flip them to 17 positives for every negative that comes from my mouth. Oh, I may not be able to find 17 positive things about my daughter, but I certainly can warm her life with 17 positive personal actions, such as an unexpected hug, a smile when she passes, a visit to her bedroom just to say “Hi, I missed you today.” Sure enough, her life-garden will begin to thrive. I've seen her negative behaviors actually begin to disappear. Who knew I could have such power in my adolescent’s life?