Guest Author - Lori Phillips

He was cute with his boyish good looks and funny antics. She loved that he made her smile, and that he wasn’t afraid to show his vulnerable side by crying on her shoulder about past hurts. For the first few years, life was filled with so much playfulness and adventure that she didn’t even notice that all the real world, adult responsibilities fell upon her.

But one day, it hit her: she was more like a mother to him than a wife. Belinda became despondent. As time passed, she yearned for a man instead of a man-child and ended up having an affair with a much older guy.

What was cute in the beginning got tiresome after a few years; and it’s all too common a scenario. We tolerate silly traits when we’re single, but when it’s time to get hitched and pull a joint wagon, we find these characteristics aren’t complementary to married life. When one mate doesn’t pull his own load, the other eventually will tire out.

Every wife, at some point in time, mothers her husband. When he’s sick with the flu, you give him medicine and chicken soup. You remind him to take out the trash or commiserate after a bad day. But having to continuously mother a childish husband gets old quick.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly about Mothering Your Husband
Many women are born with a nurturing gene that can’t resist a man who needs her. There’s comfort in knowing your husband finds refuge from the world in your arms. A boyish husband brings a carefree attitude toward life that lifts your mood which is healing in today’s pressure-filled world. In your nose-to-the-grindstone life, he reminds you to enjoy the moment. Yet, life does have its adult demands. Someone must pay the electricity bill or remember to renew the auto registrations. One parent must be the “heavy” to teach the kids not to jump off of the dining table, take them to the dentist and be sure they finish their homework. Arguments are frustrating when one person refuses to communicate in an adult rational manner. The adult world gets burdensome when you must shoulder responsibilities for two or more all by yourself. This isn’t what you signed up for. Marriage meant having a partner to help out.

How to Help Him Man Up
There are a few ways that can help him step up to the plate.
1.Talk with him about sharing the load more equitably. Be careful not to nag or belittle. He’ll shut down. Talk about fairness and how many hands make light work. Less stress and work for you means that you’ll have the time and energy to be more relaxed and to join in on the fun with him.
2.Make a visual cue for him. Chore charts and budget sheets sound so babyish but he may need a visual reminder. We all have information overload with too much to do and remember. Even manly men do better when you hand them a ‘honey-do’ list. If he’s tech savvy, have him enter items in his Blackberry™.
3.Encourage him to hang out with guy pals with adult attitudes. He could learn from good role models. It’s said you are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with.
4.Audio- or videotape your arguments or conversations (with the approval of all parties involved) so you both can hear yourselves communicate. Some people are surprised to hear how juvenile they sound and they change their communication styles quickly.
5.Give him respect. You can’t expect him to be a man when you treat him like a child or a second-class citizen in your home. Defer to him. Consult his opinions. Don’t correct him, boss him around or criticize how he does things. Do not override his decisions in child-rearing or anything else. That will only reinforce the fact that you are “wearing the pants” in the family. Treat him like the man of the house – or at least an equal half of your partnership – and he’ll begin to fill that role.

Why some men remain babyish stems from childhood experiences and even biochemistry. Some men lack sufficient testosterone while others hold onto fearful attitudes about being an adult. Some may have been overly mothered and others may have had no manly role models from which to learn. There's debate over whether personality is nature (innate) or nurture (environmental) but most likely personality is influenced by both.

It’s Not All Bad
Some women actually love a youthful husband. Personalities can complement one another. But if you find that your love for your childish husband is weakening due to lack of respect for him, you should consider one of these options:
1. Seek counseling to learn the underlying cause of his perpetual childish attitude. Subconsciously, he may be avoiding adulthood. Perhaps he harbors some fears or past trauma that need to be addressed and healed. A therapist can help him discover why he refuses to grow up and how to do so for a more fulfilled life as an adult.
2. Accept him for who he is. There are perks to being married to a child-like man. It’s less likely that he will be controlling or domineering. He’ll be playful and fun. Life with him will not be boring. Let your own inner child come out to play with him. Use your own adult strengths to fill in the gaps as necessary.
3. Allow him to take on some adult responsibilities even if he doesn’t live up to your standards. Many times a man will step aside and let his wife take over because she wants things done her way. That is not letting him man up if you insist upon being the ultimate decision maker or judgment caller. He may struggle and even fail a few times, but that’s the learning curve.
4. Stop mothering him. Stop doing all the mothering things you do. He may love when you do them but if you want him to man up, stop mothering. That includes not standing up to his parents for him. Let him take the fall when he falls short. He can’t hide behind your skirts anymore.
5. Consider parting ways. If you are chronically miserable and can no longer love him, consider letting him go to find a woman who can love him and accept him for who he is. He may not live up to your standards but he might be perfect for another woman who will adore his charms and make him feel good about himself. You can find a man who can fulfill your needs. Just realize that the grass is always greener…everyone comes with some hiccup or incompatibility issue.

Life for Belinda hasn’t changed much because she opted not to do anything to change it. She has accepted that her husband needs more of a mother than a wife rather than seeking therapy to help him grow. Yet, her dissatisfaction is manageable, she says, while she enjoys the other benefits of her childish husband. In the end, the quality of our marriage is determined by how good we decide it will be.