Guest Author - Erika Krull

Good natured ribbing is a common thing in childhood. Kids begin to learn about their own sense of humor as they grow older. When it goes back and forth and everyone laughs together, this is a good thing. However, it can easily cross the line and become something very one-sided.

Playful teasing is something that happens between two or more people who truly care for each other. On the other hand, bullies use taunting to keep power over other kids. You might think this only happens on the playground or on the bus, but this can happen in your own family. A home is supposed to be a sanctuary for everyone. Having one sibling continually hurting another “under the radar” is a painful and harmful thing. It’s important to stop anything that seems like a power play or jokes that are intentionally mean. Here are some ways to tell the difference between teasing and taunting.

First of all, teasing is fun. It is innocent in nature and meant to be fun for all people involved. Teasing is something that can go back and forth with each person expecting to have a turn at it. Teasing creates laughter and may reveal some soft spots in someone’s personality. When you know you have a friend you can trust, you know these vulnerable parts of you won’t be treated harshly. This can teach kids to laugh at themselves as a positive way to relieve stress.

There are certain subjects that would be off-limits such as racist jokes, any odd physical features, family problems, or any other subject that is painful or hard to deal with. Instead, the topics are usually lighthearted and the humor is clever. If the teaser does cross the line without truly meaning harm, they are quick to repair the damage. The value of the relationship is worth more than any kind of power or “gotcha” moment.

Taunting is not done to make the relationship better. Instead, it is done to harm. Taunting is a one-sided affair, only intended to bring pleasure to a bully. There is no give-and-take attitude about it. The person doing the taunting expects to be the only one making the jabs. Anyone else trying to reciprocate gets shot down or taunted more in return.

It is also meant to tear down the other people involved, not lift them up with shared humor. Taunting humor is geared towards humiliation and diminishment. Racism or other forms of prejudice are sometimes thinly veiled as jokes. The bully tries to make the other person look bad in order for the bully to look better.

Taunting can also be relentless. A bully uses taunting to accomplish a goal – diminish others to gain power and control for themselves. They will use taunting continuously to “wear down” their target. A bully has a noticeable lack of empathy for others, so they are not likely to stop when the other kid shows that they’ve had enough. This is actually a big green light for the bully. They have seen pain in the target’s face, so their power play is working well.

Rivalry and teasing come with the territory of growing up with siblings. When you know another person well and share physical space with them, these are pretty common. However, taunting is an intentional choice. Think about the teasing and joking between your kids. Is it shared around pretty evenly, or does it seem one-sided? Are you quick to excuse or minimize it or do you see some red flags?

Once in a while, even well-meaning kids slip up and go too far. If you see some taunting in your home, be sure you take taunting child aside. Make it clear that what you heard or saw isn’t acceptable. Be sure they make reparations somehow to their sibling. Talk to the targeted sibling for a moment to find out their perspective. Check to see that the reparations were made and the relationship is back on track.

An occasional incident is pretty normal. Let’s face it – kids can be rough around the edges socially! Patterns of taunting are something of greater concern. If this continues despite your interventions, it may be time to go to family counseling. Being aware early on can make sure that no one’s a bully in your house.