Guest Author - Lauren DīSilva
Many of us experience true heartbreaking grief at some point in our lives. Some people remain stuck in their misery and canít seem to move on, others pretend it never happened, storing their pain deep down where it can lead to illness later. There are more healthy ways to process what has happened to you.
First of all let me say to you that while you are in the full throws of heartbreak it may feel like nothing can ever be right in your world again. It can be the most desolate place to be and it hurts like nothing else. I know because Iíve been there. Iím not there now though and my heart has healed, though I wonít pretend the process was easy or brief.
Obviously if you have been feeling suicidal, or have wanted to hurt yourself or others donít do this process alone, you need professional support to help you heal. Go and find someone that can help you. Providing you arenít at risk in this way read on.
If you are newly broken-hearted my best advice is to dive deeply, right into the centre of your pain. Distracting yourself and keeping busy saves up the processing for later. Some people need to do this for a while, cleaning the house like a dervish, or working long hours for example, but the emotions need to be felt before true healing can take place.
Find a time when you can close the doors, draw the curtains, unplug the phone and start fully releasing your emotions. Let yourself cry, sob, moan, wail, scream, shout, whatever you need to do to pour the emotion out, donít censor the sounds that come through you. This can be scary if you've never been there, you might even feel you are losing it, plunging into the Void. To a certain extent you are. You are stripping away the veneer of conscious control that you put up as a protection and you are connecting with your primal self, allowing yourself to feel fully and authentically.
I found that accompanying myself on my crystal singing bowl and drum helped me reach this level of expression. The instruments started making the noise and I joined in. You may feel your body needs to rock, sway, punch it out (into a fat cushion), kick (ditto) or even curl up and go foetal. Let your body decide and do whatever it needs to as long as you wonít cause any harm.
After a few hours of deep releasing like this youíll find the raw emotions start to ebb away. The pain has been expressed and you will probably feel both exhausted and strangely limp and empty. Thatís okay, youíve made a fresh space within. Take a bath or shower and cleanse yourself physically. Youíll need to rest or sleep. When you wake you should feel different, lighter, though youíll still feel sad and hollow most likely.
Deep heartbreak needs to heal in stages. One big outpouring is a good start, but most people donít heal that easily. So what else can you do?
Perhaps you are a visual person and art can help you release the feelings. Many of the great artists have used their emotions to fuel their work. Like expressing the emotions verbally you need to allow yourself to paint or draw without censor. If you have to throw red paint at a canvas to get that emotion expressed then do it (cover the carpets and chairs before you start!) Your creation may not be a masterpiece, it may even look faintly disturbing. Better to get any dark energy out where you can see it than let it fester within. If you donít like your creation you donít have to hang it on the wall, in fact taking it outside and ritually burning a piece created like this can create another healing release.
Perhaps you write? Some of the finest poetry the world has seen came from the pain of the poet. You could allow outpourings to come from your pen in stream of consciousness writing. You donít need to worry about spelling or punctuation. Just write your story until nothing more will come. Again you donít need to treasure your writing and you could release it outside by burning it, unless of course it turns out that the pain has created something of beauty.
Whatever method you use to release you are Ďwearing the emotion outí so that it has had its full expression in the world and ceases to hold a charge within you. It has communicated itself and said all that it had to say.
Begin to be very kind to yourself and cosset yourself as if you are your very best friend who has just come through a major trauma (as you have). Take any opportunity to feed your heart with gentleness. Bathe with scented oils, take naps, get a massage, walk in the countryside, listen to beautiful music. When you get a chance to do something that makes you feel nurtured then do it.
Crystals can provide beautiful healing for the heart. Everyone automatically thinks of rose quartz and this can be a good choice. In fact most of the pink and green crystals have heart healing properties so visit a crystal shop or look at your collection and see what draws you.
You will still feel your sadness for a while, after all if you didnít feel intense emotions in the first place then the heart break wouldnít have been there. Honour your sadness. Watch weepy films with a big box of tissues at your side. The one that spoke to me and brought the tears out was Like Water for Chocolate. When the tears start let them flow.
Life is about feeling the richness and expanse of all of the emotions, not just joy and happiness. You are feeling the sweetness of sorrow and although stuck in the long term it can become habitual melancholy and depression, in the short term expression of sadness is healthy. Notice how it can open something up in you, an empathy with others who have heartache.
Often healers have emerged from a place of deep sadness, healed their own hearts and through the process they have found they can understand and help others. As many have said before me heartbreak means a heart has been broken open and our hearts have to be opened for us to fully express what it is to be human. There are always gifts if you look hard enough.