Guest Author - Lori Phillips
How often do you touch each other? In non-sexual ways. When verbal communication is lagging, touch communication may help your marriage. The power of human touch heightens intimacy, an important component of a healthy marital relationship. Non-sexual touching can re-establish the emotional and psychological connection between mates.
Touch is the first sense to develop in the fetal stage and continues to be a vital part of human development throughout life. Research shows that without sufficient touch stimulation, babies do not thrive properly.
Touch communication, or haptic communication, and the acceptability and meaning of specific touches vary from culture to culture. In some countries, native people may be openly demonstrative in public (Italians, Greek) while others more reticent (English, Japanese).
Researcher R. Heslin defines the five haptic categories:
1. Functional/professional
2. Social/polite
3. Friendship/warmth
4. Love/intimacy
5. Sexual/arousal
Within these categories, there are seven types of touch: Positive effect (emotion), playfulness, control, ritual, hybrid (mixed), task-related, and accidental touch. Within the context of marriage, these are examples of the different types of touches:
Positive effect touch: A wife comes home after a bad day and her husband consoles her by rubbing her neck. She squeezes his hand in appreciation.
Playful touch: He tickles her ribs as she passes by. She tousles his hair after he shows her his new style.
Control: She grabs his chin and forces his head to see in the direction she wants. He yanks her arm.
Ritual: The hello and good-bye kiss.
Hybrid: A touch that has mixed (more than one) meaning. He slaps her behind to show his appreciation for a nice meal. This touch has a positive effect, playfulness but also control because it is a sexist gesture to show his dominance.
Task-related: Combing his hair or rubbing suntan lotion on her back.
Accidental: Bumping into each other while doing chores.
To enhance marital relations, you can deliberately increase the frequency of positive effect and playful touches. Here are some ideas:
*Embracing. Most women love to be held. Is it akin to being back in the protective womb? Being held is restful and reassuring. It’s a time out from the world. We can let down our guard and feel safe.
Men also enjoy embracing. And while they feel a sense of power as they hold their wives in a protective manner, they on occasion enjoy role reversal where they can lie in the arms of their wives. Women often feel uncomfortable playing a mother role for their husbands, but even grown men need a brief time out from the world’s responsibilities. In fact, in counseling sessions, men often confide that they don’t know where to turn to unload the tremendous emotional, financial and physical burdens. Women expect them to be rocks all the time. A wise wife knows when to allow her husband to relax and even be weak once in a while without any loss of respect on her part. Or he’ll find another, often unhealthy, way to release some tension.
*Holding hands. A popular touch study by Jim Coan of the University of Virginia revealed that women in stressful situations were able to reduce their anxiety simply by holding onto their husbands’ hands.
*Tie signs. Like holding hands, draping an arm around a mate’s shoulders is called a “tie sign” that shows the world the two of you are “tied” in a relationship. Dating couples are more likely to show tie signs than married couples. Perhaps married couples feel that a wedding ring is enough to announce their relationship.
*Caress. Feathery stroking feels nice to the tactile sense. It is an expression of affection and is meant to give pleasure. You don’t need to set aside a caressing session. Sometimes, just a casual caress, a gentle squeeze or a tender pat in passing is enough of a tender, intimate gesture to convey your affection.
*Massage. Couples massage is nirvana. When you can give and receive massages, you open up to a host of healthful benefits that go beyond marital bliss. Massages should be non-sexual in order for the giver and receiver to relax fully. You don’t need to be a massage therapist, just a willing giver with a soft touch. Hone in on one particular part of the body: the face, neck, head, hands or feet are favorites. Use lotion to reduce the friction. If you want a great instructional video, check out www.communicatingthroughtouch.com for an excellent how-to video that you can watch while you’re giving the massage.
*Playful tickles and tugs. If you want an instant way to turn each other into kids again, have a tickle fight. Or a pillow fight.
One woman explained that she avoids touching her husband because he takes it as a sexual overture. Her husband said he avoids touching of any kind because she rebuffs him. Be honest with each other and explain that not every touch is a sexual advance nor should it be. And maybe if there were more non-sexual touching, there could be more of sexual touching, too.
My favorite part of every day comes when we climb under the covers and I nestle into his arms with my head on his chest. The noise of the outside world is quieted and all I hear is the click-click-clicking of the mechanical heart valve that saved his life after a heart attack years ago. He kisses my forehead, and my fingers caress his face, combing through his short, cropped goatee. This isn’t foreplay. It’s just our intimacy ritual. We touch. Skin on skin, he calls it. Although we’ve been married for over 23 years, we touch a lot throughout the day. I must tell you that our marriage is not perfect and we’ve faced a lot of trials that threatened to break us apart. Perhaps our frequent touch communication helped us hold onto the love that brought us together in the first place.
If your marriage is lacking in intimacy, try touch communication. Touch is healing and bonding. And sometimes, touch can break down defenses and open doors to honest relating.
