A theme that I see played out in the forums all the time, in many of the forums – not just the Spirituality forum, is “How do I forgive this person?”

“To forgive and forget.” We hear this little phrase all the time, but it is not so easy a thing to do.
I went to do some research on forgiveness and found tons of amazing advice and tidbits and quotes on the subject. I thought I would share with you the quotes that hit me as the most revealing and share my thoughts on each one. Some of these you will recognize, but some may be brand new to you.

Then Peter went up to him and said, "Lord, how often must I forgive my brother if he wrongs me? As often as seven times? “
Jesus answered, "Not seven, I tell you, but seventy seven times."
- Matthew 18:21-22
This of course is one of the best known Bible verses on forgiveness along with “turn the other cheek”. It is not in our human nature to keep forgiving a person. We tend to set limits. “OK, this is your last chance.”. Yet, while it is perfectly OK to set a last chance limit on your son as far as giving him total access to the computer when he has been caught over and over looking at pornography while you are out; that is not the same thing as setting a limit on forgiveness. You can forgive someone a past hurt or sin committed against you, and still take precautions to make sure they don’t do it again. That is only common sense; not that you aren’t forgiving them. Forgiveness and trust are two separate matters.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
If we practice an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, soon the whole
world will be blind and toothless.
- Mahatma Gandhi
Gandhi’s quote compliments Jesus’ by practically explaining why we should forgive. Every single one of us at some point in our life has done something wrong, and every single one of us has done something wrong TO someone else. This would be a world filled with hatred and hard feelings if none of us were ever willing to forgive each other. I know I personally screw up all the time and have to ask forgiveness of others. I would be in a very bad place without their compassion. We are human and not perfect. It is only through love and forgiveness that we are able to get along in this world.

If we could read the secret history of our enemies,
we would find in each person's life sorrow and
suffering enough to disarm all hostility.
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
As I said above, we are all human and we all make mistakes. We cannot always know the inner workings of the person’s mind that offended us. Sometimes the other person may not even realize that they have offended us. For example: last week my son’s chemistry class needed to divide up into partners and he was left without a partner while one group had 3 kids in it. He felt he was being snubbed intentionally. In actuality (we found out after the fact), the boy and girl in the group were a boyfriend/girlfriend couple, and the other young lady did not want to be in a group with a boy by herself. At the time, however my son’s feelings were extremely hurt.

An example more in keeping with Longfellow’s quote might be a wife who is completely uninterested in sex and only complies with her husband after much begging. The husband assumes she’s having an affair or wants a divorce and becomes furious with her. It is only in counseling that he discovers she was sexually molested as a child and has never been able to talk about it.
If we could read the minds of the people that hurt us, then it would be much easier to forgive.


To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive
untold peace and happiness.
- Robert Muller
Forgiving another person is not only for their benefit, it also is for yours. Holding on to hate and anger can make you physically ill. You will find yourself feeling sick to the stomach whenever you are around or even think about that person. Ulcers can form, blood pressure goes up, and headaches start. Staying angry hurts you – not the other person. Half of the time the other person is oblivious to the fact that you are angry! By releasing that anger, by forgiving – you free yourself as much if not more than the person you felt wronged by.

Forgiveness does not mean that we suppress anger; forgiveness means that we have asked for a miracle: the ability to see through mistakes that someone has made to the truth that lies in all of our hearts. Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness. Attack thoughts towards others are attack thoughts towards ourselves. The first step in forgiveness is the willingness to forgive.
- Marianne Williamson
Notice once again, you are releasing the anger you feel, not suppressing it. Burying the anger within you is not truly forgiving the person; that is just pushing the poison deeper into your soul to fester. And just like when you are taking care of an infected wound, when you make that first step to forgive (especially if the other person has not asked for it) – it does hurt. But soon that peace will settle in. Knowing that you have done what you can to resolve the situation, knowing that you have set your soul and mind at ease will give you a sense of “ahhhhhh”.

In forgiving, people are not being asked to forget. On the contrary, it is important to remember, so that we should not let such atrocities happen again. Forgiveness does not mean condoning what has been done. It means taking what happened seriously...drawing out the sting in the memory that threatens our entire existence
- Bishop Desmond Tutu

The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive and do not forget.
- Thomas Stephen Szasz

I mentioned above “To forgive and forget”, personally I believe that man is capable of the first, and God is capable of both. As these two men point out, forgetting is not necessarily a good thing. I am not suggesting that you continue to dwell on a matter. Once you forgive a person of a wrong, then that matter should be dropped, but in order to learn from mistakes the incident cannot be completely forgotten.

If a child sneaks a cookie after bedtime, you will forgive him – but you will put the cookie jar up where he cannot reach it. That is because you do not forget that he took a cookie when he shouldn’t have. If your teenage daughter stayed out past her curfew, you will forgive her – but she will be grounded from going to the football games, and you will stay up watching the clock very closely for several weeks (months?) because you do not forget that she broke the rules. If your husband had an affair, but broke it off and goes to counseling with you – you may forgive him, but he will need to call you from work when he is going to be late, because you have not forgotten and he needs to set your mind at ease. We do not forget, but time does make the pain fade, and life eventually returns to normal.

Finally I leave you with one last quote, and I will make no observations on it – I will leave you to draw your own.

The quality of mercy is not strain’d,
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath: it is twice bless’d;
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes:
‘Tis mightiest in the mightiest: it becomes
The throned monarch better than his crown;
His sceptre shows the force of temporal power,
The attribute to awe and majesty,
Wherein doth sit the dread and fear of kings;
But mercy is above this sceptred sway;
It is enthroned in the heart of kings,
It is an attribute to God himself;
And earthly power doth then show likest God’s
When mercy seasons justice.
- William Shakespeare