Marriage means sharing a life you create that incorporates the interests, the needs, and the plans of two separate people. Having children brings a whole new ingredient to this mix because, out of necessity, minor children need your time and energy. You are more than willing to forego an evening out with friends for a sick child. You'll work around your own busy schedules to accommodate any extracurricular activities of your children. We may feel frustrated and tired but we all know that this is what having children is all about and we want to do the best we can for them. We want them to have a good and healthy life. These are all a normal part of parenting.

What is not normal is when one parent makes their children’s needs or activities outweigh everything else in their lives, including their relationship with their spouse.

Having a child shouldn’t mean that you put your marriage on hold. Their activities should fit into family life without overpowering it. If your child always comes first and your spouse is always second or third on your agenda, there is bound to be a problem. As one man said to my husband, Alan, after a Little League game:

“Forget about any intimacy, I just want to actually sit down and eat dinner with my wife at least once a week! She is so involved in our son’s activities, sports and school events, that I never see her. We do go to his games together, but we’re not really together because she is so focused on him. I’m the invisible man. She is out of the house every evening ferrying him and his friends to different activities and I never get to see her. I want our son to be active and involved but I think he is taking advantage of his mother. We are never alone together. I miss having a relationship with my wife.”

We tend to become overachievers in the parent category after the birth of our children because we want them to “have every thing and every advantage.” The need to give them all the advantages supersedes all else. There is a sense of pride in being the perfect parent who will do anything for their children. We still have the puritan ethic of self-sacrifice. Unfortunately, if we go too far in giving our all to our children, the self we sacrifice is the one in the marital relationship.

If being too involved in the lives of your own children is hurting your marriage, you can well imagine how neglected a step-parent might feel. Whether living in your home or visiting, the step-child can cause conflicts, knowingly or unknowingly.

Some parents feel the need to over-compensate for having divorced their child’s mother or father and breaking up a “happy home.” They feel it is necessary to “make it up to the child.” Often the spouse who is the step-parent feels neglected and shut out if their husband or wife spends an overabundance of time with his or her son or daughter from a previous marriage.

My neighbor says of her husband and step-daughter:
“He spends at least two hours every evening on the phone with his daughter. If he’s not on the phone then he’s at some extracurricular thing she does. I don’t get to talk with him until it’s time for bed and then I’m too tired to do more than mumble good-night to him. It’s worse when she comes to visit; then I never see him. To be honest, she’s a sweet girl and I would like to spend more time with her. I know she would like it too, but when she’s here, he becomes super-dad, trying to do everything he can to make up for leaving her mother.”

While minor children can create conflict in a marriage, there is another child who can cause trouble for husband and wife: the adult child.

Once you become a parent you have the title of “Mom” and “Dad” forever, but the title doesn’t mean that you must be responsible for the financial and housing needs of your adult children. There should be a cut-off point for financial aid and living at home.

“We paid for all her college and post-grad expenses. Now she says she wants to take a new direction in life and go back for her doctorate and she expects us to pay for it! That would mean dipping into our retirement fund and that is something we absolutely cannot do. Nor will either one of us pay for it from our salaries. We’re making good money, yes, but we would like to enjoy our lives too.

We told her she’d have to take out a loan and she was so startled at that statement that she hasn’t spoken to us in over a month. I’m sorry, but we have to think about ourselves,” said a colleague of mine discussing her twenty-five year old daughter.

Another need some adult children place on their parents is an emotional one. They bog Mom or Dad down with their problems. Not only do you not need a negative voice in your ear, you don’t want one!

A thirty year old woman I know constantly called her parents with complaints about everything in her life; her marriage, how trapped she felt with her two year old, and how she hated her job. She called them at home, at work, and even when they were on vacation! It got so her parents didn’t want to answer the phone. Enough is enough!

Your marriage is the most important relationship in your life. If you both love each other and treat each other with respect, you have a good marriage. Your children must understand, that while they are very important in your lives, you as a couple need time for yourselves.

Minor children can be told that not all activities in which they want to participate are equally important. Let them know you love them and support them but tell them they must choose those which really mean a lot to them.

Step-children should know that they are loved and wanted by both their parents and the step-parent, but that you and their new step-mom or step-dad need a certain amount of time to yourselves. And please, divorced parents, when your child does visit,include your spouse in some activities with the both you.
Shutting your new spouse out of the fun is bad for your marriage and any budding relationship between step-parent and child.

As for adult children-be blunt.
“We love you and we’re here for you in any emergency. However, bear in mind that not everything is an emergency. You are also an adult. Please act like one.”

Remember-life is a precious gift and marriage is a sharing of that gift!


Sacred Jude in My Life, Miracles Abound!!