Guest Author - Lori Phillips

It isn’t always the rotten events that ruin marriage. Sometimes, a marriage putt-putts along on a fairly smooth road for years. Then, suddenly everyone is shocked to learn that the couple is divorcing after celebrating 25, 30, 40 years of wedded bliss. Tongues wag furiously. What happened? Unresolved resentments? More likely, it was boredom.

Humans need growth. Life is not static. One is either in the process of growth or decay. Personal growth comes from challenge, moving beyond comfort zones where life may be pleasant but predictable. After a time, even pleasantness gets old. Even Adam and Eve got bored in Eden.

When people need change and challenge, they seek it in whatever way is most convenient even though it may be unhealthy and unproductive. Most often, they turn to new relationships or risky but thrilling behavior. But it doesn’t have to be that way. The good news for a boring marriage is that there are easy and fun solutions. Here are some ideas, large and small, that could shake the boredom out of any ho-hum marriage:

1. Learn something new or practice a skill. Take a class together or separately. Think about what you’ve always wanted to learn, then sign up.
2. Set an educational goal. Maybe you’d like finally to earn that degree. My husband, who has a successful IT business, always wanted to earn a doctorate in history to become a college professor. What a great late life/retirement career possibility. His terrific idea inspired me to return for my doctorate!
3. Learn a new language together. Being able to communicate in another language together is bonding. It might lead to a vacation in a foreign country, too.
4. Choose a charitable or political cause to support with your time and resources. Having something larger and outside yourselves to care about breathes new life energy into your daily routine. Maybe you can work to maintain the local wildlife refuge. My husband feels strongly about a grassroots campaign to overhaul the IRS and establish a flat tax. I pointed out that instead of being an armchair proponent, he should “put his money where his mouth is.” My friend became a foster mother for abandoned kittens. Her husband, who never woke up for a single middle-of-the-night feeding for his own kids, helps her tend to the frail kittens ‘round the clock.
5. Try a new sport. Getting physical pumps life-giving oxygen through the body and brain. You don’t have to develop a love for it. Just try something new to experience it. We strung up a net at picnics to play badminton. It got everyone up and moving and it provides a lot of laughs. We were inspired to join a club but changed our minds when we saw the level of cutthroat professionalism involved. We just like to bat a birdie around!
6. Adopt a pet. A new member of the family changes the household atmosphere in a loving way. Consider your ability to care for your new pet when selecting one. Even a new fish brings good energy to your home.
7. Create or build something together. Arts, crafts and homesteading projects use your creative thoughts. Creating is a sure way to feel alive and exciting.
8. Be playful again. Do you still play together? Choose a game or have a tickle fight. Play a silly but harmless holiday prank on family or friends by planning it together. Acting as cohorts is bonding and fun.

If you really need a shock to a staid lifestyle, consider these radical changes:
9. Move to a foreign country. It is easier than you might think. Depending on the country of your choice, jobs and housing are available, and the cost of living is usually lower than in the US. Do your research. It doesn’t have to be a permanent move. Just a one-year sabbatical would be enough to broaden your perspective on life.
10. Move to another part of the US that has an entirely different climate than you’re used to. For example, I can’t imagine living where there is snow because I’ve always lived in tropical climes. To witness the changing of the seasons—the golden leaves of autumn, the softly falling snow of winter—would be a beautiful experience that I would not take for granted.
11. Dare yourself to try something that has an element of risk. Skydiving or base jumping? Hot air ballooning over wine country?
12. Consider a second career. Start off slowly (as in, “Don’t quit your day job!”) but think about doing what you’ve always dreamed about doing. It’s a matter of now or never!

What if your better half won’t come along for the new ride?

Many times, spouses complain that it is their spouses who are boring and there is nothing they can do to change them. True, spouses may not welcome your ideas for breathing new life into your marriage. They may be perfectly content with the way things are. People have the right to choose how they live. If your spouse is content, let him or her be and pursue your ideas anyway! Your excitement will be contagious. Pretty soon, your spouse will begin to reflect on his/her own life’s ambitions and make plans, too.

As for my marriage? Unfortunately, our 23-year plus marriage never had the luxury of falling into complacency. Life provided enough life-and-death drama without us having to search out excitement. We used to sneer, derisively, that boredom would be a nice change of pace for us. But as we face the upcoming second half of our lives, we realize we’ve gotten used to being kept on our toes. Maybe we’ve become accustomed, if not addicted to, the challenges that made life interesting. And now this man who stands by my side knows me better than anyone else on this good green Earth and vice versa. We’ve learned to accept each other as we are. No more friction, no more trying to force the other into neat little expectation boxes. What else is there to discover about each other?

Maybe the time for discovering each other will become a time for discovering the world together. I, for one, would love to sit in the back of one of my husband’s history classes as I focus on my own thesis. After the semester ends, we’ll practice our German during our vacation in Germany...sleep in a castle…and return to a new home on the other side of the world where life still offers so many exciting new possibilities…