Guest Author - Krissi Danielsson

I have never had an ectopic pregnancy. All of my miscarriages have been the run of the mill type with falling hcg levels, one D&C, "missed" miscarriage detected on the ultrasound...that type of thing. But in working on my upcoming book, I've realized that I've been woefully neglectful in not covering ectopic pregnancies on this site.

You don't really hear too much about ectopic pregnancies at all until you have one. You might hear of them when you first have the bleeding that foretells a miscarriage, because the doctor asks you if you're having any kind of pain on one side. If you are, then they suddenly treat that as an emergency without always telling you why.

As you probably know by the time you're reading this article, an ectopic pregnancy is one that occurs outside your uterus. Although the uterus is lined with endometrium and is fully prepared to support a fertilized egg, the egg will sometimes implant in the fallopian tubes (or elsewhere). Usually this is because of tubal blockage of some type; factors such as pelvic inflammatory disease or debatably intrauterine devices for contraception (IUDs) can increase the risk of ectopic pregnancies, but they are obviously not the sole cause because ectopic pregnancies can happen in the absence of these factors.

More important than those types of details, however, is the emotional side. I doubt you're on a miscarriage site looking for the technical details of an ectopic pregnancy. (But if you are, see the recommended resources for more information).

What really struck me about ectopic pregnancies is an account of one that I read online once. The woman pointed out that no one really understood her grief even in the miscarriage support communities. In a more typical miscarriage, a baby is lost and by the time the woman finds out about it, there's not much else to do but wait for the loss or get a D&C to speed it up. In this woman's ectopic pregnancy, she had actually seen her baby alive on the ultrasound. It had a head, little tiny arm and leg buds, and an active heartbeat. But it was implanted in her tubes, and as a result, this mother's heart was broken in a way that made her feel especially alone. Her baby was alive, but she had to kill it. There wasn't any option. She couldn't just take her chances, because the tube would have eventually ruptured and killed them both.

I don't think I'll ever forget reading her account of that story. I wish I still had the link, but I'm sure it's disappeared into message board oblivion by now.

If you have had an ectopic pregnancy, I can only imagine what you must be feeling. I know all too well what it's like to feel guilty over something that wasn't in my hands. I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of us feel guilt over our miscarriages even though it was never our fault and nothing we could have done could have possibly changed the outcome. But it's one thing to find out you are losing your baby, and it must be another thing entirely to find out that your baby is alive and to want that baby as desperately as any mother, but to have to terminate the pregnancy anyway. And to make matters worse, you probably have a harder time getting support from your friends and family, because they might be saying things to you like, "At least you caught it in time," when you already know that and need their support for the loss of your child instead.

My heart goes out to all of you mothers out there who have suffered ectopic pregnancies. It always helps to network with people who have been through the same awful experience as you have. I am putting three links in the "related links" box to sites that contain discussion groups and support that is specific to your loss and your grief.