Guest Author - Lori Phillips
Every marriage goes through times when love seem distant. Daily stresses, conflicts, anger have replaced affection you once felt. You can’t remember the last time you held hands or exchanged a kiss, let alone bedroom intimacy. Days, weeks, months and maybe even years have rolled by without you wanting to ask the question that might force you to face a sad truth. “Is our love gone?”
Take this mini-quiz to see if your love is gone or if it is there still, smoldering and ready to burst into flames of passion with a little TLC:
1. When you first got together, you felt…
a. fluttery, excited feelings in your gut.
b. friendship that turned to love or affection.
c. nothing special, but she/he was nice enough.
2. Everyone has memories of some bad times, but when you look back on your marriage, can you remember…
a. more happy times?
b. thinking that you were like comfortable roommates rather than passionate lovers?
c. only unhappy times?
3. Thinking about a life without each other…
a. gives you temporary feelings of relief—you need space! But you wonder if you’d miss him/her.
b. would take getting used to but would be okay.
c. is pure freedom and joy.
4. If you did break up, you can imagine…
a. wondering what he/she was up to all the time.
b. staying friends.
c. never looking back.
5. Your negative feelings for him/her are mostly…
a. frustration, anger and disappointment.
b. disdain, resentment and boredom.
c. contempt, scorn and repulsion.
6. Your positive feelings for him/her when you have them are mostly…
c. apathy at best.
7. When you’re together, there are times when you still share…
a. fun and laughter.
b. joint interests.
8. When he/she has a bad day, you still…
a. listen and try to make him/her feel better.
b. listen but don’t offer any help.
c. couldn’t care less.
9. The thought of him/her being with another lover…
a. makes you feel sick with jealousy, sadness or rage.
b. has absolutely no effect on you.
c. makes you feel glad.
10. A coworker learns you’re splitting up and begins to show interest in your soon-to-be ex. You…
a. feel indignant.
b. try to help them get together.
c. laugh to think she/he’ll be taking on your old headaches.
Mostly A answers: If you’ve ever felt love for each other, chances are that love is still alive deep down. Love is a strong, resilient emotion that does die easily. It takes tremendous forces to kill it. Clues that love is still alive include being able to laugh and have fun with your mate, remembering more good times than bad, feeling a sense of protectiveness when faced with a love competitor, and still managing to feel affection and caring for your mate.
Mostly B aswers: Love is harder to define when your relationship didn’t begin with clear-cut feelings of love. Some couples never felt real, passionate love but rather slipped into marriage after a comfortable, ho-hum courtship. That doesn’t mean they didn’t build a real love for each other; they bonded over time. But if couples like this are looking for fireworks, it’s going to take doing things differently and looking at each other from a different perspective. It’s okay to be best friends and spouses, but don’t forget to treat each other like the amazing, unique individuals you are. Everyone has something new about him/her to discover. Awaken some dormant passions in each other!
Mostly C answers: Even if you occasionally believe that you have hate toward your mate, you could still have loving feelings deep down. Hate is an emotion that still has attachment to the person you hate. But once you have cross into apathy where you no longer care what happens to this person, you’ve begun to detach and separate yourself from him/her. Contempt is another feeling that indicates love has died. “I can’t stand him! He makes me sick.” “Just thinking about going home to her wrenches my gut.”
When you think you may not love each other, be patient. Don’t rush to conclusions and never make decisions while you’re in a highly charged emotional state. There were times when I wondered if I loved my husband anymore because he was so **** and ***; But the thought of him being with another woman really upset me so I knew--I knew--that I still cared even though I was mad, heartbroken and disappointed at the time.
Take each opportunity to grow as a person and as a couple. That is what life if about. Each time my husband and I overcame a potential problem that threatened to separate us, our love became stronger.
And if you still believe that you may not love each other anymore, know that you can fall in love all over again. Please read [url=http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art10974.asp]BellaOnline Marriage “How to Fall in Love Again”[/url]