Guest Author - Michelle Taylor

Backsliding, fallen away, unfaithful; these are all terms that could be used to describe me in this past year of my Christian walk. Or I should say my Christian gazing.

I believe in Jesus Christ with all my heart, and I gave my life to him 9 years ago. But the past 3 years have been very difficult for me. My oldest son has Asperger’s Syndrome (a condition on the Autism Spectrum), I suffer from clinical Depression, my mother-in-law has had breast cancer, and several other not so great things.

In all of this I have fallen away from my church. No, that’s double-speak, I stopped going to church. I made up tons of excuses not to go. I was too tired, my head hurt, I couldn’t face the people, etc. And all of these excuses had a grain of truth in them, but in the end – I could have made myself go, and should have.

The only good thing I did in all of this was to make sure my kids still went to church. They are young. They still have a lot to learn about God and Jesus, and obviously I am not the one to teach them right now. Although I need to get my butt in gear and start, because kids learn more from example than any other way.

But my true reason for not going, for giving up on church, for giving up on God – is because I was mad at my pastors. I felt that when I was going through my greatest time of need, they were not there for me. They were phonies who only wanted to help certain members of the church, and I was not one of those members.

So we switched churches. And guess what? Those pastors didn’t want to help me either! I’m just supposed to suffer through depression and everything I’m going through all by myself. Well then, who needs the church – I’ll just do it on my own. And gradually I started feeling like “Who needs God? I can just do it on my own.”

But my kids ask me every Sunday and Wednesday about going to church. And then I heard that the children’s minister was leaving the church and I was flabbergasted. Now this man and I had words, but deep down I knew (no I know) he is the best children’s minister I have ever met. God gave him a talent for working with children. It stunned me into real thought.

…and a little child shall lead themIsaiah 6, last stanza

My children have been slowly leading me back to church. Not through their words, but by their actions and excitement at being there. I have realized I miss the companionship and wisdom of other Christians. I also miss the accountability I’m held to.
But I’ve still been hanging onto my bitterness towards my pastors. So I did some looking.

Here is a trustworthy saying: If anyone sets his heart on being an overseer [pastor], he desires a noble task. Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?) He must not be a recent convert, or he may become conceited and fall under the same judgment as the devil. He must also have a good reputation with outsiders, so that he will not fall into disgrace and into the devil's trap. 1 Timothy 3:1-7

Nowhere in that description does it call for perfection, which is what I’ve been looking for. I’ve been holding human men up to unrealistic standards; putting them on pedestals, where people should never be placed. Only Jesus can live up to that standard – and any pastor that is a true Christian would quickly tell you, he cannot live up to that.
So now it is my choice: forgive a wrong that was never really done to me – and return to where I belong, or continue acting hurt by an event that was never intended.
Tough one, huh?

Links: BibleGateway.com
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=61&chapter=3&version=31&context=chapter

New Bethany Baptist Church
http://www.newbethany.org/nbbc/