Guest Author - Lori Phillips

“Marriage is not a word, it’s a sentence—a life sentence!”
“Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.”

Marriage has been getting a bum rap from comics throughout history. And with the high divorce rates, it could seem that marriage isn’t such a grand idea, after all.

Is it that the human animal is not biologically designed for monogamy, as some suggest? Is it that men or women today are incapable of fidelity and commitment because of societal freedoms? Or could it be that living with the same person for the rest of your life is just plain hard?

There’s no doubt that marriage is an amazing, perplexing and, at times, vexing institution, but its ruinous reputation is largely due to human error. Marriage itself is not difficult. But for many, marriage is rocky because of poor foundations. Translation: People choose their mates unwisely. Here are some examples:

1. You ignored red flags and married him anyway.

Some men are not marriage material. Ken was open about his commitment phobia but women keep trying to convince him otherwise. Hannah’s husband James was always out of work and unable to pitch in to support the family, and she was the only one who didn’t see that this pattern began straight out of high school.

One of my best friends married an angry man. Not just a man with a short temper. A man with a furious temper. One of his former girlfriends warned her about his inability to control his wrath, but my friend thought she was just jealous of their relationship. After all, he was a good-looking guy with no shortage of dates. Besides, he had good reasons for being mad: his dysfunctional childhood, the jerk in the office, the idiot in the car in front of him. He never took responsibility for his anger. Over the years, his raging fury took a toll on the marriage and family. She regretted not being honest with herself before walking down the aisle.

2. You thought you could change him over time.

He had some bad habits, ranging from flirting with other women to thoughtlessness to poor money management. But hey, no one is perfect. With your influence, he could learn new ways. Every wife with a ten-year or longer marriage groans to hear this because she knows better. It’s not that you can’t change a man, but you’re fighting his nature. Change does not come without a high price—and it’s usually your marital bliss. There is wisdom in accepting a man the way he is. Then, let your example inspire him to change on his own.

3. You didn’t think the small things would be a big problem.

I knew my husband was a smoker when we married. It didn’t bother me much. He seemed, dare I stupidly admit, cool. But when we had children, it became a huge issue: Didn’t he care that he was shortening his lifespan when he had children to raise? Didn’t he care that he might leave me a young widow? I was angry that he knew the inevitable health consequences but didn’t try to quit smoking. It was like seeing a cliff in the distance and not veering course. Would I be forced to watch him suffer with emphysema? How could he be so selfish?

Janet thought her boyfriend’s sloppiness was boyishly cute, and she felt needed when she cleaned his apartment. Fast forward five years into their marriage and his messy ways are not so endearing.

4. You chose him for the wrong reasons.

My sister married her first husband to please my father. He was a good match in most ways but she wasn’t ready to get married. Nothing could change that. Young Chris lived with an abusive father and needed a way out. Her boyfriend proposed and it seemed like the perfect chance. Kathy, whose absentee parents live in another country while she grew up in an English boarding school, suffered from low self-esteem and was drawn to a man who showed he “cared” with his domineering nature. But after counseling and schooling, her esteem improved and his “caring” was now “controlling.”

These are common scenarios. So before we trash marriage, let’s assume some responsibility for our marriage challenges. Divorce happens not because marriage is a hopeless institution but because of mistakes we make before we walk down that aisle.

So now what? The good news is that where there once was love, there can be love again. Where there is love still, there is the promise of overcoming all.

But the first step is to acknowledge how we have contributed to our own challenges instead of blaming other people. The next step is to understand--and believe--that we have the power to create a better future for our marriage.