Guest Author - Lori Phillips

*Warning: The following article contains sexual content that may be found offensive. If you have religious or moral beliefs that make this topic taboo, please do not read this.

I awoke to find his side of the bed cold and empty. Concerned, I searched first the bathroom and then the kitchen but he was not there. Quietly, I opened the door to the study and the glow of computer images flickered across his face in the darkness. His robe was open, and I knew what was on the screen before he had time to click it off.

I couldn’t understand it. My husband was a decent family man. We shared a satisfying sex life and a generally happy marriage. Yet, he viewed pornography on an increasing basis. From my Internet searches, I discovered that the types of pornography available ranged from the sexually deviant (bestiality, kiddies porn, sadomasochism) to tamer “vanilla” sex (co-eds or married couples videotaped themselves having sex.) I was relieved to find that my husband did not view anything that could be considered illegal or emotionally disturbing. But his porn habit still bothered me greatly.

The titillation of porn

From the time we were children, looking at naked bodies piqued our curiosity. For one thing, in Western culture human bodies are covered up from the moment we are born. Naked flesh is a private matter, we were taught. Having a chance to see what we’re not supposed to see…well, that’s hard to pass up. Whether we admit it or not, we’re all curious and fascinated to see what other people look like underneath clothes!

In other cultures, the naked body is not something to be hidden. Seeing other bodies does not automatically evoke a sexual response. In ancient Japan, an entire village often shared a communal hot tub where families stripped off their clothes and enjoyed a steaming soak.

Western society deems sexual activity, like the naked body, strictly private. It is obvious that nearly everyone has sex or the human race would not endure, but sex is something that happens behind closed doors. Peeking is naughty. Is it the taboo that makes porn so appealing? Maybe. But the truth of it is simple: watching sex scenes stimulates a sexual response in us.

Is porn always bad?

I discovered that the porn industry covers all sexual tastes from the seriously disturbing to the everyday mild. Deviant porn indicates emotional problems related to sex. On the other hand, tame porn like photographs of naked women or “vanilla” (ordinary) sex indicate a typical sexual appetite.

Because of its ability to evoke sexual responses, many sex therapists use pornography, or sex videos, to treat some sexual dysfunctions. Many ordinary people view pornography for visual stimulation during masturbation. Some couples view favorite porn videos together before sex.

Men, in particular, like visual images that sexually excite them during masturbation. Women generally have better imaginations and often use mental fantasies instead of viewing porn. Another reason why women tend not to turn to porn is that nearly all of the pornography is recorded from a man’s perspective, and it does not sexually arouse them. Women don't need to see the raw reality of naked body parts but instead prefer steamy scenarios and hints of sex.

What wives fear about pornography

Many wives, including me, find their husbands’ interest in pornography threatening because of several pornography myths that are perpetuated by anti-porn organizations. But here are some facts:

Viewing pornography does NOT…

*indicate dissatisfaction with a person’s sex life.
*lead to infidelity.
*reduce the quality of sex between a couple.
*mean a spouse prefers the body images of the people in the photos.
*constitute “cheating.”

Husbands and wives often feel inferior to the younger or better shaped bodies in the photos. If they are insecure about their own bodies, their spouses’ porn viewing only underscores their negative body image. Jealousy results. But being sexually aroused by looking at other bodies does not constitute cheating. Nor should it imply dissatisfaction with your spouse. One husband brought up a valid point: "Is getting sexually aroused by reading romance novels or watching racy movie scenes with good-looking leading men any different?"

What I needed to understand about pornography and men

*All pornography is not the same. That would be like saying all desserts are fattening and that fresh fruit cup is just as bad for you as triple chocolate cheesecake.

*Unless there is a sexual dysfunction, men usually do not prefer pornography over real sex with their wives. Most often, it is used an alternative when real sex is not available.

*The more porn viewing is forbidden, the more enticing it becomes. Suggest self limits for porn viewing. In many cases, men have asserted that their porn viewing is a form of passive-aggression. "I am so sick and tired of my wife controlling me," wrote Bob, not his real name, in an online forum. "Sex is the only thing she can't control. I don't want to rock the boat with the family so I don't say anything but the resentment builds up. I'd rather look at porn than have sex with her."

*There are times when porn and masturbation are preferred for the quick and easy sexual relief. “And no after cuddling necessary,” my husband joked. Actually, he was serious. But remember that not all marital sex has to be a romantic bonding act. Sometimes, it can be a purely physical release alone or together. Sex for health, sex for love, and sex for bonding don’t always occur at the same time.

*Unless porn viewing is replacing healthy sexual relations with each other, porn shouldn’t be seen as a problem but rather just another toy or tool for sexual play.

Although I am in no way a proponent for the porn industry, I want to alleviate the unwarranted hurts and fears that cause marital problems when spouses indulge in viewing mild pornography. Once spouses no longer see porn as a problem in their lives, it stops being a problem. And we are proof of it.