Guest Author - Lori Phillips

I once believed, due to religious teachings, that grief was a selfish feeling. When my little boy died, I forced myself to be happy for him because he was no longer suffering in a less-than-whole mind and body. I tried hard not to cry and I literally willed myself to think of him and not myself. But I am human. And I am his mother. And when you tear a child from his mother’s arms, she will rebel and she will grieve.

My body went through the grieving process whether I liked it or not.

Not wanting to bring each other down, my husband and I grieved privately. Early on, we felt okay about crying in each other’s arms, but as time passed and as we watched each other cry less, we did not want to bring out the tears and sorrow in each other so we began to grieve alone. Behind closed doors. In the darkness of night. And then, grieving began to feel lonely.

Sorrow
Everyone grieves in his own way. It is a solitary process. But it is said that we should “bear one another’s burdens” when it comes to grief, it doesn’t have to be a load that one must carry alone.

Here are some ideas that may help:

*Remember the good times with the deceased. Celebrate the life shared.

*Bury the bad. Refuse to relive any bad moments. I must admit that, once in a while, I can’t help but think about the horrible events that occurred on the day he died. But I do not bring them up to my husband. There is no point in dredging up his pain.

Married couples who lose a child in a tragic manner have the hardest time moving on together. They find that they themselves are constant reminders of that horrid time of their lives. They need to leave their marriage for a clean break from their painful past. It doesn’t have to be that way, but it tends to be the quickest and easiest way for people to bury their pain.

In this case, I suggest that they work fast to create happier memories together and find a reason to move onward—together.

*Grief counseling helps. Grief recovery follows specific phases whether the grieving realize it or not. It takes time to move through the steps and at times, there are obstacles that a counselor can help you through.

*Find a cause to pour your energy into. Those who are successful in living with grief find a reason to keep living. Sometimes, they take their painful experience and turn it into a way to help others. The most famous example is John Walsh of television’s “Most Wanted” series. The kidnapping and murder of his young son was unsolved for years which spurred John to launch the successful television series that ended up in the capture of hundreds of criminals. Others have opened victim’s support groups or funded educational scholarships in their loved one’s names.

Although it is maddening for parents to hear: “It’s a good thing you have other children.” No other child can fill the void left by another unique child. But there is truth to the statement. It does help if there are other children to care for, as a distraction and as an incentive to keep moving forward.

While it is hard not to be swallowed up with grief, you must think about your other surviving children. It just isn’t fair to take away from their lives. Your child is in a place where I believe he is safe now. Your other children need you to care for them now. And they are the ones who will be left with any memories, good or bad, you create. They are the ones who need to learn how to move on in the face of overwhelming loss, and it is a lesson you need to teach by example.

*Teach that there is a time to grieve and a time to move forward. If they died, what would they want for their surviving family members? Would they want everyone to mourn until they were miserable for the rest of their lives? They would want their family members to live well and be happy.

*Let yourself feel the sorrow and pain when it comes forward now and again. The pain of losing my child will be my lifelong burden. I understand that now. The pain never really goes away. It’s there every day. But by choosing on living a productive life and refusing to let grief rob us of any more joy, I move onward.

*Cling to hope and your spiritual beliefs. I believe that my deceased little boy is not in the past but in my future. He awaits our joyous reunion, and that has taken away the fear of death. It also helps me face the future with hope. I’m not leaving him behind. I’m filling my time here on earth in a useful way until we are reunited.

*Be patient with your spouse because everyone has his own time table for moving through the grieving process. But if you find that he or she isn’t able to cope for a long period of time, seek counseling and medical help.

Remember that our grieving is for ourselves. Our deceased loved ones do not feel sorrow. They are in a happier place. Those who are left behind feel the pain of separation. Grief is necessary, but it can become a senseless robber if you let it. For married couples, surviving grief together can be yet another life experience that strengthens marital their relationship.