Guest Author - Lori Phillips

Typical reasons why women endure when they should leave a bad marriage include the following:


*Fear. Do you fear change? Are you afraid of not being unable to take care of yourself financially or otherwise? Do you fear your husband may come after you? Preparation dispels fear. You can work out your fears while preparing for a new life. Women’s support groups can be of infinite value with their legal, health and career resources.

*Finances. There are financial resources available for women in desperate situations. Check out county resources and local colleges for women’s support groups. Consider creative ways of getting by like getting roommates to afford housing. Even though women may feel that they want to “do it on their own” they should seek legal help to gain the financial help (alimony and child support) they require until they can stand on their own financially.

*For the kids. Many women stay in bad marriages for their kids’ sake, but if the marriage truly is bad, your children will be better off emotionally when the parents make a break. Children need parents that will model happy and healthy habits, even if that means having the strength and courage to end a bad relationship. Adults who come from bad marriages often talk about the deep and lasting effects from the ugly atmosphere in their childhood homes. Staying can do more damage than leaving.

*Religious beliefs. Most religious doctrine states clearly that divorce is against the will of God. Who am I to counter the word of God? However, it is my belief that there is more to the word of God than is interpreted by man. Marriage is a gift. A husband is a gift to his wife and vice versa. A gift of a spouse comes with profound responsibilities as well as rights. My understanding of God is that He would be deeply offended if His child were continually mistreated by the spouse. Surely, He would revoke His gift and place it more deserving hands.

*Low self-esteem. Maybe on a subconscious level, you don’t believe you are worthy of a man who will treat you with respect. One clue is if you feel sorry for your spouse or feel the need to “help” or “fix” him. In some way, you might even identify with his weaknesses and excuse them because you have problems, too. Maybe you feel that you’re the only one who understands him. It is common for women with low self-esteem to be drawn to men who are broken. It is a fallacy to believe that you or your love can fix him.

*Battered wife syndrome. Do you live in fear of him? Do you believe that you cause the fights? Do you make excuses for or make light of his physical abuse? There is a psychology to the battered wife. (See the link to Bellaonline.com’s Domestic Violence site for more info.)

*Love. Some people in bad marriages still feel a connection to each other. “We bring out the worst in each other, but I can’t help but love him deep down,” said one woman who left her husband twice only to return. Love makes people suffer through difficult relationships. However, someday the pain of staying will outweigh the love because in a bad marriage, the love will change and erode over time.

Many wives cling to hope for change. They do not want to admit defeat. If they let go of their marriage, they lose their happily ever after. It’s difficult to face the reality of a shattered dream. But most women eventually leave a bad marriage when the pain of staying grows worse than their fear of change.