Guest Author - Erika Krull

There are all kinds of ways to communicate with others. Some are more positive, some are more destructive. What kind of example are you (the parents) setting for your kids? Sure, it’s nearly impossible to go through life as parents without having disagreements with each other. However, how you go about disagreeing is what really counts. Whether you are married to the other parent of your children or not, it is critical that you think about how you act in front of them. You may see some of your nasty fighting tactics replay themselves between your kids.

In general, kids follow the examples they are shown. Certainly, there are exceptional people who have come from chaotic difficult family situations. They managed to move on from the bad things they witnessed and create a good life. However, this is not the norm. As a parent, you never lose when you create a good example out of yourself.

Your kids certainly have disagreements between them, so they could understand that adults would have disagreements as well. However, children are terribly impulsive creatures, rough around the edges when it comes to negotiation and diplomacy. They need to be taught how to disagree in ways that don’t degrade or tear down the other person. What are they learning from you as a parent? Do they see you as parents disagree but speak respectfully? Do they see you fight with angry voices and stomping feet? You will probably see more of this between your kids if you do this yourself.

Arguing or fighting means being emotional, being competitive, and trying to “win” a conflict. Disagreeing with discussion and problem solving can be the alternatives. If you feel yourself becoming very emotional and wanting to really let the other parent “have it” for something, first consider if the kids are nearby. These few moments can also let your emotion calm to a point where you can talk instead of yell. Avoid name calling or exaggerating things. This will spark more disagreement and heighten emotions. If you call the other parent names, you will have a harder time with your kids calling each other names. They will see it as something acceptable when having a conflict.

If the other parent comes at you with something to argue about, you can say “OK, I really don’t want to argue about this. Let me take a second to think about what you said.” If they come at you with a lot of anger, do not immediately get into the words they are saying. You may need to say, “I see you are very upset here. Let’s talk in a few minutes when you’ve had a chance to calm down. I’ll be right here.” If you start out well but get stuck with the topic or get too emotional, suggest a mutual cool-down period. Say that you need a little break, but that you want to come back and find resolution soon. It is very important to cut off rising emotion during a disagreement. It tends to make people less rational and cooperative. It is also much harder to bring someone down from high emotion than it is to prevent it from escalating. You will find this to be true with your children as well.

Understand who you are dealing with. If you know that you are very emotional about a certain topic, help yourself by thinking about the situation when you are calm and by yourself. If you and the other parent are going through a rough time, try as much as possible to take your conflict away from the kids. As you get better at discussing rather than fighting, you can stay closer. It may be necessary to go to counseling if you have a lot of trouble with arguing.

The important thing is that kids see you acting as respectful as possible to each other. Remember, your kids don’t like seeing either one of you hurt or down. The extra stress of your visible arguing can make your kids more irritable with each other. Watching you discuss rather than fight will teach your kids about resolving sibling problems without hurting each other.

When you are able to keep your cool and stay respectful, disagreeing in front of your kids isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Be sure they see plenty of cooperation and affection to balance that out. This can help them understand that disagreement is normal, but it isn’t necessary to be competitive and hurtful.