Guest Author - Tammy Elizabeth Southin
A Husband's Duty The Drugstore Run conclusion
By: Tammy Elizabeth Southin
‘What? No way! She would never ask me to do that! You guys are pulling my leg! No woman would ask any man to pick up that stuff (oh, what a rookie, he cannot even say the formal words and just look at how he barely spat out that) in a million years! My wife certainly won’t!’ Dave could hardly believe just what lengths these guys would go to. He was only married three months! ‘Besides, we lived together for a year before that, she never once asked me during that time!’
‘That means nothing. Once that ring goes on your finger, parts of the unspoken vows include picking up rags and plugs when the need arises.’ Steve figured a crash course in the lingo was the best way.
‘Yeah, now that everything is all official and harder to walk away from I might add, you will find yourself standing in the rag aisle staring at a bewildering array of brands, types and absorbencies.’ Charlie instructed.
Absorbencies? The word stuck in Dave’s mind like a song you cannot shake. What do I need to know about…?
Reading his mind, Jack chimed in ‘You must know that there are different types of things for different days. You got your heavy days, you got you light days and you got your in-between days.’
‘Not to mention, the backup.’ Steve added.
‘Backup? Why do I need backup? Dave wailed. This was going to be harder than the guys originally thought.
‘Not for you, for her!’ Murphy rolled his eyes. He thought the new sensitive guys of today were far more sophisticated than his generation and knew far more about such things. What did they teach in schools these days anyways?
‘Oh, and don’t even dream of coming home with the first thing you grab off the shelf. Women are very particular and very brand loyal. You cannot just dash in and dash out. You’ll have to become very familiar with the entire product offering.’ Jack nodded and would you believe he still sat there staring at his beer the entire time!
Dave’s face flushed crimson, then scarlet, then back to crimson as his head spun around with visions of dancing period items. Should he have paid more attention to those ads on television rather than wasting years silently singing ‘la-la-la-I-can’t-hear-you’ in the fashion of one of the many sports themes? Beads of sweat broke out on his forehead.
‘Look, we can make this easy on you. We’ll take you on a field trip and show you the ropes!’ boomed Charlie while the others snickered but nodded in agreement.
‘You guys would do that for me?’ Dave dragged his frosty beer mug across his forehead.
‘Sure, three weeks from now.’ Jack counted off the fingers of his hands.
‘That’s about right.’ Steve concurred.
‘Why three weeks from now?’ Dave indeed was a drug store run virgin.
‘Because our wives have all been in sync with each other for years, women do that when they hang out together. Now they don’t really, but since we do, the women are synchronizing vicariously through us.’ Murphy really did know his stuff!
‘I never knew that! However, I still bet that I will never ever be called upon to do that. My wife just wouldn’t put me through such humiliation!’ Dave prayed inwardly as he feebly asserted himself.
Dave’s phone rang, ascending loudly with each ring just as he had set the phone to do. However, this time the rings seemed more urgent than he had ever heard before. As he answered the phone, Charlie, Murphy, Jack and Steve gave each other the knowing look; the one that men use when one of their own is about to walk the rag gauntlet for the first time.
Dave fainted. By the time they revived him he barely got the words out.