Guest Author - Andy Boxall

The undead are a difficult bunch. They rarely listen to reason, don’t leave when you call the police and are never offended by harsh language. Anyone stuck in a horror movie needs to have a wide range of powerful weaponry at his or her disposal to deal with the threat of the undead, be they zombies or vampires.

However, not everyone has access to automatic weapons or small artillery, so what everyday items hanging around your house would cause the required level of carnage? This easy to follow list contains five tried and tested implements to make your apocalypse a little easier to handle. Remember, each weapon can be personalised by adding your own catchphrases and cool quips!

The Chainsaw.
Best Example: Evil Dead II.
Use: A multi-grip, diamond tipped petrol burning monster.
Don’t use: An electric 10” bladed ‘safety’ model with a short cord.

The chainsaw is the weapon that horror movie characters aspire to use. If it were a car, it would be a nitrous powered, blown ’57 Chevy. If it were a food, it would be vindaloo curry. Forget about felling trees or trimming hedges, the chainsaw is at it’s best when chopping up zombies. Creating a similar noise to a tarmac ripping motorcycle, plus the ability to sound cool as you rev the engine, it is the only choice for those who take their butchery seriously.

The Cricket Bat.
Best Example: Shaun of the Dead.
Use: A brand new bat crafted from willow with something like ‘The Equalizer’ scrawled on it.
Don’t use: Your Grandfather’s antique item autographed by Viv Richards.

There is something distinctly British about beating a zombie to a pulp using a cricket bat, almost like a ‘lightsaber’ for the horror character, it is ‘a weapon from a more civilised age’. Whereas the uncouth would pick up a snooker cue, as a gentleman, you can pull out your ‘whites’ and shout ‘howzat’ as you smack another deadite for ‘six’. Best of all? You don’t even have to understand the rules.

The Lawnmower.
Best Example: Braindead.
Use: An easy to hold petrol powered model with a centrally rotating blade.
Don’t use: Anything push-powered with a cylindrical blade. Or one of those posh ‘ride-on’ mowers.

To use a lawnmower when fighting hordes of zombies requires the user to have a certain something, like wearing hats or calling people ‘dude’, only some can pull it off. Messier even than the chainsaw, the lawnmower is a good choice when you are severely outnumbered, and it would be wise to book a reliable cleaning service for the aftermath. The one drawback with the lawnmower is the amount of upper body strength needed to hold it for extended periods. Perhaps one for the fitness freaks out there.

The Machete.
Best Examples: Dawn of the Dead, 28 Days Later.
Use: A big, sharp machete. If a machete happens to not be available, almost any gigantic knife will do.
Don’t use: The ivory handled letter opener you never use.

Subtle it isn’t, but the machete is the mainstay of any well-equipped undead fighter. It also makes the ideal companion to any of the above items, as after all, Mix ‘n Match is the way ahead this year in designer horror character fashion. Advantages of the sharp weapon include no annoying reload pauses, easy storage in your belt and almost endless re-usability. Drawbacks range from the close proximity of the zombie and the weapon occasionally being tough to remove from a zombie’s head.

The Super Soaker.
Best Example: From Dusk ‘till Dawn.
Use: Ones with ‘Shoots water up to 30 feet!’ on the box.
Don’t use: The small, green gun shaped one you won at a fair when you were seven.

The problem with the undead is that they aren’t always zombies. Irritating vampires also turn up and often need special attention. The Super Soaker, when filled with holy water, makes a great long range, mutli target weapon for those ‘against the odds’ situations. Finding one at the right time may also make you feel like a member of the A-Team and is almost as cool as using a real gun to dispatch the hordes. But with great power comes a great drawback, it’s useless against zombies (unless you are planning to bath them). Of course, the presence of a Priest to make the water holy is essential, but they are rarely included in the pack.