Visiting the Relatives
To say that it is hot in the Grand Canyon State in September is an understatement. Think about a few of the trite sayings you’ve heard over the years; it’s 110 degrees in the shade, or it’s so hot that you can fry an egg on the pavement. Vacation in that heat for four days and then, only then can you begin to understand why folks take time for a siesta at the hottest part of the day – between 3:00 and 5:00 PM.
Picture this: air conditioning runs 24/7, the wooden shutters remain closed by day; walking from the house to the car causes one to break out in a sweat… Hence, all outdoor activities are curtailed or held to a minimum.
So having spent an extended weekend with family in the 48th State of the Union in a pristine retirement community with a focus on loud conversation, heavy meal preparation and heavier meals, watching DVDs on a 72” screen TV and endless hours of the large handed card game of Five Crowns; I return to my modest environment reiterating the words of Dorothy Gage, “There’s no place like home, Toto!”
It might be said that I was rather reflective this trip. Generally I am known for my rapier wit and fierce competitiveness. Not this trip. Perhaps my observant demeanor was more a result of not wanting to be a moving target for family barbs, or perhaps, I wasn’t able to keep up with the high energy level and intensity of the relatives. Be that as it may be, I found myself removed from most of the clamor and chatter. In my observation tower I felt more at ease displaying common courtesies.
For days, discussions revolved around the opulent lifestyles of travel, toys and the generosity of the Lord. Gadgets, priceless antiques, mansion like homes or a place on the lake, a boat or two; each generated comments on costs, price tags and value. And every sentence began with the word “I” or “my”. Either I was lost in the shuffle or I just didn’t care. Of course, every so often someone would say something to jolt me back into their table talk like, “I saved over $30,000 by spending $4,200.” Yes, that might be true, but you failed to mention that you’d have to spend more than $100,000 over the course of your shopping spree to get your $4,200 back...
Whatever you are thinking… think again. These are not sour grapes speaking or someone trying to make lemonade out of those lemons from the tree in the backyard. It’s not that I believe that there is a stigma attached to the topic of money, it’s just that over the course of the past four days, I longed to hear my sweet husband say, “So, have you read anything of interest lately?” It was in the absence of those words I realized that truly I am quietly privileged. Our calm life is one of modest luxury where simplicity is a soothing word.
Approaching the table I hoped for the best, knowing that bitterness and unhappiness were awaiting my arrival. I knew full well that misfortunes, mistakes, grudges, blame and negativity would seep into each conversation like the smell of a gas leak. So this time I decided to manage my words although it was difficult to control my thoughts. In hindsight, I realize that I tried to offer up simple gifts: a sincere compliment, an encouraging word, a murmur of empathy, my undivided attention, my time, encouragement and compassion. Perhaps all those gifts came too late in the peace talks.
I learned early on that self-indulgence and self-centeredness lessen the ability to fully experience life’s pleasures. Gratitude and appreciation, on the other hand, enable me to enjoy the many luxuries of my life: the blessing of work, friendships that run deep, and the ability to fully value the gifts and talents of others.
In private, I asked a family member when does the past become the past? To which she had no answer. After much directed thought, I see now that the better question would have been – when can we begin collecting and making long and lasting happy memories? Precious, priceless – these are how we should describe our fleeting moments. The world of the mind can and should be a place to stay and play for hours on end.
Many relationships we choose: friends, business acquaintances, church and the community. Family is what we get either by birth or marriage… And so, the challenge before us is to maintain harmony. Harmony between imperfect beings is an art form that must be mastered day after day after day.
Some things age better than others… perceptions, impressions and thoughts hopefully get “better” as time goes by; at the very least, they should becoming clearer. And so, having been home for several days now with time to digest the family visit I like to put my experiences to the “test”. (This simple formula can actually apply to shopping, conversations, clothes… nearly anything). Answer these three questions:
1. Is it kind?
2. Is it constructive?
3. Is it necessary?
A no answer to any of these questions calls for a different course of action.
Post script…
How odd it is to me to hear everyone say that our visit was wonderful and that we must do this again for the next big family holiday. Wow, I guess it is true; one’s man’s pleasure is another man’s pain.
Picture this: air conditioning runs 24/7, the wooden shutters remain closed by day; walking from the house to the car causes one to break out in a sweat… Hence, all outdoor activities are curtailed or held to a minimum.
So having spent an extended weekend with family in the 48th State of the Union in a pristine retirement community with a focus on loud conversation, heavy meal preparation and heavier meals, watching DVDs on a 72” screen TV and endless hours of the large handed card game of Five Crowns; I return to my modest environment reiterating the words of Dorothy Gage, “There’s no place like home, Toto!”
It might be said that I was rather reflective this trip. Generally I am known for my rapier wit and fierce competitiveness. Not this trip. Perhaps my observant demeanor was more a result of not wanting to be a moving target for family barbs, or perhaps, I wasn’t able to keep up with the high energy level and intensity of the relatives. Be that as it may be, I found myself removed from most of the clamor and chatter. In my observation tower I felt more at ease displaying common courtesies.
For days, discussions revolved around the opulent lifestyles of travel, toys and the generosity of the Lord. Gadgets, priceless antiques, mansion like homes or a place on the lake, a boat or two; each generated comments on costs, price tags and value. And every sentence began with the word “I” or “my”. Either I was lost in the shuffle or I just didn’t care. Of course, every so often someone would say something to jolt me back into their table talk like, “I saved over $30,000 by spending $4,200.” Yes, that might be true, but you failed to mention that you’d have to spend more than $100,000 over the course of your shopping spree to get your $4,200 back...
Whatever you are thinking… think again. These are not sour grapes speaking or someone trying to make lemonade out of those lemons from the tree in the backyard. It’s not that I believe that there is a stigma attached to the topic of money, it’s just that over the course of the past four days, I longed to hear my sweet husband say, “So, have you read anything of interest lately?” It was in the absence of those words I realized that truly I am quietly privileged. Our calm life is one of modest luxury where simplicity is a soothing word.
Approaching the table I hoped for the best, knowing that bitterness and unhappiness were awaiting my arrival. I knew full well that misfortunes, mistakes, grudges, blame and negativity would seep into each conversation like the smell of a gas leak. So this time I decided to manage my words although it was difficult to control my thoughts. In hindsight, I realize that I tried to offer up simple gifts: a sincere compliment, an encouraging word, a murmur of empathy, my undivided attention, my time, encouragement and compassion. Perhaps all those gifts came too late in the peace talks.
I learned early on that self-indulgence and self-centeredness lessen the ability to fully experience life’s pleasures. Gratitude and appreciation, on the other hand, enable me to enjoy the many luxuries of my life: the blessing of work, friendships that run deep, and the ability to fully value the gifts and talents of others.
In private, I asked a family member when does the past become the past? To which she had no answer. After much directed thought, I see now that the better question would have been – when can we begin collecting and making long and lasting happy memories? Precious, priceless – these are how we should describe our fleeting moments. The world of the mind can and should be a place to stay and play for hours on end.
Many relationships we choose: friends, business acquaintances, church and the community. Family is what we get either by birth or marriage… And so, the challenge before us is to maintain harmony. Harmony between imperfect beings is an art form that must be mastered day after day after day.
Some things age better than others… perceptions, impressions and thoughts hopefully get “better” as time goes by; at the very least, they should becoming clearer. And so, having been home for several days now with time to digest the family visit I like to put my experiences to the “test”. (This simple formula can actually apply to shopping, conversations, clothes… nearly anything). Answer these three questions:
1. Is it kind?
2. Is it constructive?
3. Is it necessary?
A no answer to any of these questions calls for a different course of action.
Post script…
How odd it is to me to hear everyone say that our visit was wonderful and that we must do this again for the next big family holiday. Wow, I guess it is true; one’s man’s pleasure is another man’s pain.
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