I am nothing if not honest. Iím sure you know that by reading my work here at BellaOnline since I started a year or so ago now. I debated on whether to share this with you because I strive to be positive. However, I feel that I would be remiss if I did not share the fullness of my fibro experience in the hopes that it can help others with this condition who may have felt this way too or those who donít have it to understand our condition better.
Last week, I fell into a very bad flare. For several days I could not move very well. I was in pain. Light, sound, touch, smell and just everything was sensitive. I had lesions on my body. I was itchy Ė I felt like I was allergic to myself. To top it all off, I was in pain. Hard core pain. My teeth and my hair hurt. It was a level 9 on the pain scale, if I were being kind. Not even the prescription medications that I keep on hand for my worst days helped.
If you have this illness, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. We all have times in our lives with FMS/CFS/ME that are like this. If you donít, you may think Iím being melodramatic. I can honestly tell you that words canít express how bad I felt. Even if they could, I donít think youíd understand unless you lived the experience. Iím not being rude Ė just honest. There are sometimes that you canít truly sympathize unless youíve walked in the other personís shoes. I feel this is one of them.
At my worst, I contemplated if it was worth it to continue on. Iím only 31 Ė Iíll be 32 in June Ė and this disease isnít going to get better as I get older. I have young children and a husband who do their best to understand. But, itís hard on them and itís hard on me because I canít do a lot of things with them that I want to do.
I began to think of ending it all. I was in so much pain and so scared. I thought about it. I also talked to my therapist, my friends and my husband about it. I am working on this issue with their help. I have no intention of dying, but I had a flash, a brief thought, that some things are worse than death and, at times, Fibromyalgia feels that way for me. I have more to offer this world than my pain, though Ė so Iím here and happy to be so, even if my pain gets the better of me sometimes.
I have been unable to find hard and fast statistics on how many people with FMS/CFS/ME commit suicide. I know itís a lot. I also know that the Suicide Doctor, Jack Kevorkian, assisted several (possibly more than that) people with FMS and CFS in ending their lives.
I reminded myself awfully quickly that although the pain can be unbearable, suicide is terminal. Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome are NOT. Itís a permanent solution to a temporary Ė albeit chronic Ė problem.
I donít have flares all the time. I am working hard to raise awareness Ė we all should. I have good days Ė thank heavens. I will live a thousand years if I could to chase that one day of good health down. There are things I can do to feel better even when Iím at my worst and Ė the absolute worst thing I can do to my husband and my children is to leave them with this Ďfinal solution.í When my cousin committed suicide several years ago, it was devastating for not only his parents, his siblings, his friends and his family but for so many people he touched in seemingly small ways.
If you ever feel this bad, please seek out help. You will be amazed at how many people will be there to pull you through. I urge you to read the following resources and email me at firstname.lastname@example.org if you have no other recourse. I will respond and try to get you hooked up with someone (even if I have to call you myself!).
I am NOT alone. You are NOT alone. We who have these conditions are like a brotherhood/sisterhood of pain. Weíve already lost too many of our number to suicide, assisted or otherwise and I urge you to remember that the only time that hope for an improvement in this life is truly dead is when you pass away.
Disclaimer: If you are depressed, please seek medical attention. Depression is a serious matter. I am NOT an advocate of suicide. I am NOT a mental health professional. This article is for informational purposes and to begin a dialogue about a horrible side effect of our conditions.
Fibro & Suicide Ė Killing Me Softly (with resources for assistance)
Suicide is NOT an option