There’s a television commercial showing a father buckling his child into a car seat. She’s rambling on and on about some bit of nonsense, and he’s smiling and saying “Uh, huh,” which rather leads me to suspect he wasn’t really listening. How he will miss that cheerful chatter someday!
Listening is one of the kindest gifts we can give our children. It tells them they matter to us, that their thoughts, ideas, and even their fantasies, have importance. Because I’ve always had an overactive imagination, much of my own childhood chatter was make-believe, but my parents listened as carefully as if I were describing the world’s greatest discovery. That attention to my nonsense probably contributed to my writing career.
It’s hard, no doubt about it, to listen all day long. Sometimes your mind longs to escape into nothingness, and if there are many children, or an only, or homeschooled kids who are home all day, the constant chatter can make you crazy. But it’s worth it.
My work keeps me on a computer most of the day. Eventually, I bought a laptop and started working in the kitchen. When a child entered the kitchen—and children enter kitchens on a regular basis—I could close the lid and appear available should anyone care to talk. They won’t always seek you out in your office, your bedroom, or anywhere else they aren’t normally found. If, however, they can pretend to wander in to do something else, and can be busy making a snack, they’re likely to casually start to talk, even during the challenging teen years.
When children are little, they mostly want you to just listen and enjoy. Making sensible comments and asking leading questions show that you find them fascinating. “Oh my goodness! And what did the dragon say about that?” Look them in the eye—right in the eye—as they speak to you, so they know you’re really listening to them. Children are used to being ignored and they will know when your mind is really on something else. Smile when appropriate so they know you’re enjoying them.
Older children also just want you to listen. I found it very hard to conquer my tendency to offer advice and opinions that weren’t wanted. Don’t lecture…just listen. Listen, nod, ask questions. Always ask, “How did you feel about that?” and “What are you planning to do?” Show them you trust them. It may be that they already have a plan or already handled it. Leaping in to tell them what to do suggests you don’t find them capable of taking care of it themselves.
If they find you listening non-judgmentally, they are more likely to ask for your opinion on the subject, which you can then give, gently. Naturally, if your child tells you he’s doing something you know is wrong, you’ll have to step in, whether you’re asked to or not, but most of the time, the situations will involve little things—disputes with friends, problems with a teacher, daily decisions.
So just listen with your ears, your mind, and your heart. Listen as though eternity depends on it, because it does.
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
