It’s bad enough that men and women seem like they are from different planets sometimes.  Add ADD to the relationship and you feel like you are from different universes entirely.  Not only do you feel like you don’t speak the same language but you often wonder if you even see the same reality.   Making things more complicated is the fact that so many adults are walking around with undiagnosed ADD and don’t even know it.  It's hard to find solutions when you don't even know what the problem is. 

I was one of those undiagnosed adults who unwittingly caused damage to my marriage without even knowing it.   If we’d only known about it we could have saved ourselves and those around us from a lot of pain.  I was not diagnosed until after we separated and we never had a chance to understand why we were having difficulty communicating until it was too late.  Because we have three daughters together we still have to find a way to communicate for their sake.
  
There is hope if you get treatment and learn about what your ADD symptoms are and how to cope with them.   Ignorance is not bliss in this case.  What you don’t know will destroy the relationship if you don’t get help and learn some strategies to deal with your symptoms. 

One of the most common problems is communication.   It seems that most Adults with ADD seem to have problems in this area.  Without good communication the foundation of the marriage will start to crumble.  Anger and resentment will build in both partners until there is nothing left. 

Some common issues that the Non-ADD spouses have with their ADD spouse:

• They act irresponsible – it’s like having another kid


• They don’t listen


• They are selfish


• No eye contact


• Feel as if you don’t really know each other sometimes


• Their partners moods change abruptly without cause sometimes


• They forget things quite often


• They have no sense of time and are often late or miss things entirely


• They are messy and disorganized


• They have no patience for boredom

Some tips to help ease the power struggle and communication problems between the ADD spouse and the Non-ADD spouse:

Make sure you have an accurate diagnosis

Learn as much as you can on the disorder and the specific issues that can affect relationships

Keep your sense of humor

Set up time to talk on a regular basis where you won't be interrupted

Find ways to deal with your particular issues that you can both agree on ahead of time before there is a problem

Don't take everything personally

Write down your complaints about each other and brainstorm possible solutions together so that you both agree ahead of time what to do. Keeping this in writing will help you not forget.

Get help from support groups or a professional

Spend time together and have fun

Remember to appreciate each others good qualities and focus on the positive

Don't allow ADD to become an excuse

Books on ADD and Relationships:

Go to www.adhd-made-simple.com/ADHD_Classes.html for a list of Teleclasses and Audio Classes on various ADD issues, including ADD and marriage.