Guest Author - Pam Garlick

As I pondered my question in my previous article, “Loneliness - State of Mind or State of Being?”, my thoughts seemed to stray back several decades to a time when I was lonely. I was an only child, so it was easy to blame my loneliness on that. But in all honesty, it was far more.

I lacked the communication skills to enable me to share what I was feeling. And even if I had, I don’t think there was anyone in my family equipped to solve the problem. In fact, I know now, they couldn’t have. I had to solve it for myself.

Unfortunately, I first went about it the wrong ways; and, my desperation to end my loneliness had many negative results. I hung around with some people who were considered less desirable by the standards of the day. I even ended up a teen-aged mother, thinking a child would insure I was never lonely again. Wow, did I have a lot to learn.

My husband also spent a long time being lonely. “You can be working around people all day, but when it’s time to go home, you go home alone,” Ken explained, telling about that troubling time in his life. “I tried to put myself around people but it didn’t work. No body reached out. We had no common ground.”

He, too, had to learn several lessons to overcome his loneliness. I’d like to share a few of the things we both learned before we even met. That’s an important point, because we needed to be comfortable with our aloneness before we could be comfortable together, or we might have risked getting together for all the wrong reasons.

1. It sounds simpler than it may be, but it is invaluable to shedding loneliness. Get out and meet people. Meet them on their terms. Don’t expect them to make the first move. If everyone does that, no one would ever reach out to anyone.

2. Really listen to other people, hear what they like and don’t like. Show a genuine interest in other people’s lives. Don’t just expect them to be interested in you. The best thing that ever happened to me was my time as a newspaper reporter. It taught me to listen.

3. Take a class in something you find interesting, it could be Civil War History, Pottery or Bungee Jumping. The point is there will be other people with a similar interest taking the same class.

4. Volunteer. In particular volunteer some place where you might find people who actually have it worse than you. It will help you appreciate your own life more.

5. Change your attitude to a positive one. Have a “Can do” attitude. And Heaven forbid when someone asks you how you are, don’t open the floodgates of despair. Compassion and friendship can be two different things. I can be as compassionate as the next person, but in all honesty, a person who pulls me down into their depression, will likely not be someone I want to spend a great deal of time with. And I think that’s the case with most people.

Last, while reading can be a solitary activity, and your goal obviously is not to be a solitary person. However, there are many good books available to help you overcome your loneliness.