Guest Author - Erika Krull

Birth order is a popular topic in our culture today. People are eager to explain their children’s personalities or make sense of siblng rivalry. The ideas of Alfred Adler back in the 1930’s have been coming under fire in more recent times. He developed a theory that described personality characteristics based on the order of a child's birth in a family. However, researchers have been having trouble confirming Adler’s ideas. They have learned that there are many exceptions to the rule.

Experts are now considering the idea of psychological birth order. This slightly different viewpoint helps the “exceptions” make more sense. Children born to a family may take on roles that more closely suit their inborn personality traits and ability to cope with stress.

There are many reasons that the traditional birth order roles may be switched around or skipped altogether. Researchers have found that an age gap of more than three years cancels out birth order effects. For example, a family with two children born five years apart may feel like they have two “first borns” in some ways. Also, a more sensitive or timid first born may seem overshadowed compared to their strong-willed outgoing second born sibling. This switch could also happen if the older sibling is frequently ill or has other problems that may hold back their development.

Twins are born with virtually no age gap. Their birth order may or may not follow their literal order of birth. It can make some difference on how much the parents emphasize who is the oldest and the youngest. Usually, the twins will establish some sort of order based on their individual personalities. They may even share characteristics of two roles depending on how many children there are in the family.

When families blend, there can be a big shuffle in sibling roles. First borns may not be the oldest in the family anymore. A youngest child may become step-siblings with another “baby of the family”. As the children in a blended family cope and adjust to the changes, parents can help each of them find their own place in the family.

In families where there is a lot of stress, birth order characteristics can be more obvious and extreme. These children have a heavy burden on their shoulders, and rely greatly on their coping skills just to make it through the day. These strong effects could happen with any overwhelming ongoing family problem – an alcoholic parent, a parent with a chronic physical or mental illness, a divorce with frequent arguing between the parents, etc.

Kids in these situations deal with the extra stress in different ways. The oldest child tends to be overly responsible. The second born may act very opposite of the first born, rebelling and getting into trouble. Some middle children try extra hard to “mend fences” and keep everyone at peace. Other middle children may feel it is better to just stay out of the way of the very extreme first and second borns. The youngest will often overdo the carefree silly “baby” role.

Not every troubled family will show birth order characteristics in exactly the same way. A more dominant younger child may take over the role of the “responsible one” after an older child leaves the home. This may be especially true if there are larger age gaps. Many experts are finding that birth order effects usually disappear after a child has left the family home and become an adult. However, children who come from families with serious problems tend stay stuck in these exaggerated roles.

There are so many different things that can affect children’s’ personalities. It is no wonder that traditional ideas about birth order are controversial. It seems that psychological birth order may make the most sense in our modern world. Children are much more than just the family roles they fill. However, understanding psychological birth order can help you see how your unique family puzzle fits together.