Guest Author - Pam Garlick

Like myself, a few of my friends have adult children, although through the years we all have had some very different philosophies about how we raised them. I often wonder when and where a parent should draw the line when trying to help our children through the difficulties the face in life.

Of course, I’ll change the names of my friends as I give examples.

First there is Sheila, who once had me feeling very guilty about my own child rearing when her eighteen year old son was home from school with a sore throat. He was up walking around before we left for an outing, so I assumed his condition couldn’t be that serious. Yet, Sheila called him several times while we were gone and even went back once to check on him.

Shortly after that day I asked my own grown son if I had neglected him when he was growing up, because by eighteen, unless he was bedridden near the point of hospitalization, I pretty much assumed he’d take care of himself. If he needed me, all he had to do was call.

He eased my guilt telling me that he felt I raised him to be independent and self sufficient. He had worked part time from the time he was thirteen years old, and had worked his way up to a management position.

That is something Sheila’s son has done. At least yet. Today he’s in his twenties, has no job and no desire to have one. He doesn’t drive and although he walks to his college classes a few blocks from his home, Sheila, a single-mom with a business to run, is expected to make certain he gets there on days when the weather is bad.

That leads me to another friend, Leona, whose been through a very rough time in her life. Her husband has had several very serious illnesses, most recent heart bypass surgery. Her own health isn’t very good, and hasn’t been for a long time. Still, she worked long hours at very physical job trying to put her two sons through college. I believe a large part of her health problems were from working the way she had.

My husband had health issues also, and had children who wanted to go to college. Though they did not live with us, I told him I was willing to get another job to help with their expenses, on one condition: If they wanted our help financially they would have to allow us to see their applications for financial aid. We wanted to be a part of the process, possibly even able to offer some suggestions that would help.

They chose not to have our assistance. It was their choice. And we offered very little help to them financially. Don’t get me wrong; occasionally they had something they needed, and if we had a little extra cash, we’d help them. But, for the most part, they put themselves through college. And all three are doing quite well for themselves. They did it on their own and can be proud of their independence.

So back to Leona, or more accurately, her older son. Johnny wanted to pursue one profession, but part way through school he decided he wasn’t cut out for that. So he dropped out of college and got a low paying job. He got married and before long he and his wife had a child. Both had college educations, but neither had a good job.

Johnny then decided he wanted to pursue a different career. Again Leona helped as much as she could. However, last I heard he wasn’t actually working in that career either. He has another child on the way and he and his growing family have moved back home to help his parents.

Leona sees it as a win-win situation; although I’m afraid she may be wearing the proverbial rose colored glasses. She and her husband are now unable to work, so having the children at home will be a help financially. Yet, with the low paying job there are no benefits. So now Leona worries not only about her husband’s health, her own, but also her son and his family. Especially since his wife is having a difficult pregnancy.

When my husband and I purchased our house we built a small apartment downstairs for my son. He paid rent. And when his own family grew, we did our best to help by making some renovations to accommodate them. Still, at some point we knew we were going to have to raise the rent. We discussed it and because they were already feeling crowded, they decided to move. No hard feelings. Everyone understood.

Am I saying my parenting is better than either of my friends? Certainly not. But our children do know one thing, they can count on our love, and we may not be able to help them with everything, but we will be there for them when it really counts.

So, can a parent do too much? Or, too little? I do continue to wonder.


An excellent book about raising kids at different stages in life can be found below: