Guest Author - Pam Garlick

My title may seem like a silly questions, but think about it. So often I’ve wondered how much we really impact our children by what we say to them. Especially what we say about them. Think about that a little more as I go on to explain what inspired this article.

Yesterday Ken and I went to a favorite restaurant. It’s a family friendly place where we never seem to go wrong on what we order. That is not always the case, though, about where we are seated. Yesterday we were seated in a booth next to one with a weary elderly woman with a four year old companion, and a young woman and man who could have been older grandchildren.

Almost from the moment we sat down we heard the grandmother, as I’ll refer to her, complaining about the four year old beside her. She said the little girl was so bad she couldn’t stand much more from her. She told the other two that it was worse when there were other people around, which made going out to eat a nightmare.

I had a pretty good view of the child, and watched as she listened intently to what was said about her. Up until that point she didn’t seem to be doing anything abnormal for a four year old. However, I did notice she seemed to act out a little more as though to prove the older woman right.

The grandmother even went so far as to get up from the booth and threaten to take the child and her meal out to the car. She said she could not eat with all the tension. She once again made sure everyone knew the tension was caused by the child, who by this time planted herself in her seat and refused to leave.

Finally the grandmother sat down again and agreed if the child was good she’d stay and let her finish her meal. I can’t be certain what it was the child was doing after that. I believe once she went under the table, which reminded me again of other children I’ve seen do the same. By this time the other two companions got into the fray. The young man suggested something that must have related to spanking, because it elicited a sarcastic remark from Grandma about how you cannot spank children anymore. It was clear she wished she could.

If I seem to empathize with the child, you are picking up on my sentiments perfectly. I believe the more the child was criticized and berated the more she misbehaved. She could have been tired, or she could have just had a typical four year old’s energy and sitting in a diner was not an outlet for that energy. Or, she could have been the horrid child the grandmother seemed to make her out to be.

As the elderly woman again stated she couldn’t wait for the child to go home, I thought what a wonderful thing that might be for that little girl. I only hope, and pray she has a better go of it when she gets there.

There are so many generational differences. I believe they always were there, but that because the world has changed so fast, the divide has grown with it. I know my mother didn’t agree with my parenting, and I certainly didn’t appreciate hearing about what I did wrong. I find that sometimes I don’t agree with how my grandchildren are being raised, though I do try to offer my opinions only when I’m asked for them. I think part of it is because my mother is even harder on them than I am, and I remember how it felt to be criticized.

As I’ve sat back silently watching, I have found my grandchildren are doing very well. Each has certain personality traits that makes them individuals, and their parents are doing their best to permit them to have personalities and be individuals, while instilling in them values that will help them grow into respected members of society.

One daughter taught me you have to pick your battles. I’ve thought abut this a lot and realize I spent so much time trying to raise perfect children so I wouldn’t have to hear my mother’s negative comments about my parenting, that I didn’t get to spend as much time as I should have enjoying my kids. I should have laughed more and enjoyed their childhood, scolded much less, and never berated; but like the grandmother in the restaurant, I didn’t always do it right.

Thankfully I have the chance to reflect and to know I’ve been forgiven for my inadequacies as a parent, giving me the chance to make up for it as a grandparent. I have had a few opportunities to discipline my grandchildren, with loving firmness, and the ability to know what should stay between us and when their parents need to know. No, my grandchildren are not perfect either, just like the little four year old girl in the restaurant; they act out on occasion, but one thing I will strive hard to do is to always treat them with the respect that I expect them to treat me.

Here are some books that you may find helpful if you find any of the things in this article hit home with you: