There are many different scenarios when you might hear the words, “Mom, I won’t be home for Thanksgiving this year.” “Mom, don’t be upset, but we have to go to her family’s for the holidays this year.” “Mom, it’s Dad’s turn to have me this Christmas, isn’t it?” If you are like most moms, those words will have the ability to cut through your heart.
If you are a mom that has already heard those words, congratulations, you have lived to tell the story of the pain. If you are one of the many mothers that have not yet heard those words, you know that you are eventually going to hear them. What do you do when you do hear them? Smile, he is growing up. Smile, especially since you do not want to force guilt on to your son for doing what now comes naturally, or, what the court has ordered.
Here are a few scenarios:
Your son has decided to take advantage of a great skiing vacation with his buddy. He never has had the chance, time or finances to do this, but now he does. Solution: Let him go guilt free, being thankful that he is experiencing life and doing the things that he has wanted to do. Pick a time that he will be free close to the holidays, plan your day around him, cook something special, and enjoy the time that you have together.
Your son, wife and children have announced that to be fair, Thanksgiving will be spent with the in-laws this year. Solution: Ask what part of the holidays will be spent with you and work around that arrangement. Even though you might be willing to let go of Thanksgiving, remember that eventually Chanukah or Christmas will have to be spent with the in laws as well. Then you will have to ask about Christmas Eve or Christmas Day arrangements. If they are traveling quite a distance, then make for a Merry After Christmas Day. If it is Christmas that you are celebrating, remember that the three Kings did not get to their destination until January 6th. There is still plenty of time for celebrating the season.
Your son is stuck in the middle of a divorce between you and your ex husband. Solution: You probably live in the same area, so consider your celebration on Christmas Eve before he has to leave for the night. Another scenario is to plan for a great time for when he returns on Christmas night. By all means, this is where you must reassure your son that you will be fine. Tell him of your plans and what you will be doing that will be exciting. Even if you have to play a part as an actor, let him know that everything will be fine and you can’t wait until he gets home to have some fun!
Your son is in the military and too far from home for you to get to him or him to you. Solution: Start now in preparing the holiday surprise box. Make sure you know of the times that you can send your box of cheer to him and where he is stationed. Check with the local recruiter, post office, UPS, or military web site to let you know when you have to have the box shipped out to him. Also, make sure you know exactly what he can have, what he needs, and how it is to be packed. Send pictures, a disc full of pictures, a PowerPoint presentation of his hometown, friends, and family. Send him CDs of his favorite songs, a Christmas CD, an audio tape so that he can hear your voice. Let him know that you miss him, his country stands behind him and wishes him the best, and that you will look forward to having another Christmas when he comes home!
Your son has been incarcerated. Perhaps you are close enough to go and see him; perhaps he is too far away. Solution: Check with the institution where he is and find out what the visiting times are for the holidays. Check to see what he can and cannot have and how it has to be sent. Send messages of staying strong and being hopeful. Let him know that you are still his mother and will always be there for him. That alone, for a son to hear in that situation will be a gift in of itself.
There is no need to be alone on the holidays. Acts of charity and kindness are needed during this season. Help at a food pantry, a shelter, a soup kitchen, prepare or serve meals. Be with friends. Go out to dinner, make something extravagant and take it to a friend’s house for the holiday meal. You are not intruding! Most people love the idea of others coming to their house for a celebration like this. Relax, rest, enjoy the holidays and what they mean. Being thankful, being loved, being kind, being hopeful, are all a part of what these holidays bring to us. Keep some of the enjoyment for yourself and share the rest with others.