Guest Author - Terrie Lynn Bittner

When my daughter was born with cerebral palsy, I entered a very precise world of parenting. In any parenting situation, decisions matter, but with a special needs child, those decisions are intensified. Every choice can affect your child's ability to become independent and functioning. When my child learned to pull herself up, she did not learn to get herself back down. With my first child, I would simply have helped her down, knowing she'd learn eventually. However, many children with developmental challenges don't instinctively learn the natural skills other children develop. A friend, who also has cerebral palsy, warned me that if I ever helped her to get down from her standing position, she might never learn to do it alone. Day after day, I listened to her
cry, listened to others accuse me of being cruel, and fought my longing to help. It would only take a moment.....

I resisted the temptation and eventually, after weeks of falling in exhaustion, she learned to get herself down. I learned, at the same time, an important parenting and life skill: Compassionate service isn't always about doing. Sometimes it's about not doing, so that someone can learn to do for herself. Church teachings on self-reliance are not just for those receiving assistance from the church. They also apply to parents. We have an essential responsibility to teach our children to take care of themselves as much as possible.

There will always be some problems too complicated for our children, and others that are too dangerous to solve alone. Wisdom in parenting means knowing when to step in and when to step back. Evaluate the problem carefully in terms of the child. Parenting books are simply not helpful in deciding exactly what is right for your own child. They might suggest options, but most decisions must be made in light of the specific child.

One child might have the maturity to decide her own school schedule, but another might not. While natural consequences would teach the second child her mistakes, it may be too late to undo them and might destroy the child's future. In this case, you would step in. On the other hand, a child might insist on going to a party with homework undone, and then want to do it on Sunday. If you don't allow Sabbath day homework, you might choose to allow the child to go to the party, and then refuse to let him choose to do it on Sunday-and he could know that in advance. How will he get the work done? Let him figure it out if he is ready for that lesson and if you have previously taught him the importance of doing his work. If he's the sort of child who does not care if his work is done or not, you may have to step in and make strict rules until you change his attitude.

This process of letting children learn from their choices must start young, when the choices aren't life-deciding. A preschooler can choose to wear mismatched clothing and will soon learn from the comments of others that her clothes don't match. However, while you might allow her to choose her play clothes and errand-running clothes, you might maintain control over church clothes, allowing instead a choice between the red dress and the blue one. When we were in the clothes-choosing stage, I had to fight an impulse to make one child wear a sign that says, "I dressed myself." However, as embarrassing as her choices might seem-and this child insisted on wearing everything inside out and backwards for a while (on purpose)- I can assure you that it won't last forever. Oddly enough, I can't remember now why I was so embarrassed. Today I would just laugh and explain to nosy strangers who dared point out the problem. And by the time she is a teen, her clothes will match and she will have found much better ways to embarrass you.

The hardest time to enforce these rules is when a child starts attending school. When he forgets his homework, do you rush it to school? No. This is a stepping-back time. Just explain to the teacher in advance that you are teaching self-reliance and your child should receive whatever penalty results from his forgetfulness. A forgotten lunch? Bring a sandwich and milk money. No dessert, no chips, no goodies-just enough to keep his mind functioning during the afternoon. Goodies are for children who remember their lunch. Then help him create a plan to remember.

Gradually allow the choices and their natural consequences to become more challenging and more important. By the time a child grows up, he will be a self-reliant adult, ready to face the challenges of adult life. Parenting is an intense span of compassionate service. Whether we serve by helping or serve by stepping back, the Lord's plan for self-reliance can help us learn how to raise confident, wise children.