Guest Author - Marie Stroughter

Some brothers share such a special bond that they are best friends for life. Others do not share anything except the same set of parents (and other siblings, if any). How can you help foster an environment that will promote closeness?

Allow each to be his own person: As tempting and cute the idea is to dress them alike, or how convenient it is to have them in the same extra-curricular activities, allow your boys to be individuals. Let them excel at something that is purely their own, so that they are not competitive with each other. If they happen to both share a passion for something, praise the efforts of both and cheer both on, even if one seems to “eclipse” the other. This applies to academics, as well.

Let them work things out together: There will be disagreements. It’s important to let brothers work their own issues out on their own terms. Clearly there are some situations that will need to be addressed (violence beyond mere “horseplay” and hateful language beyond temporary anger are two that come to mind). However, these are people that hopefully will have a life-long relationship and they need to be able to find their own way of communicating and negotiating. Step in only when necessary.

Make time for each son: In the bestselling Siblings Without Rivalry, the authors state that parental time and affection are the things siblings vie for most. Make sure each has their own relationship with you, so that you bond with each and each does not feel they have “more” of you.

Make time for them to spend together: Have family outings, dinner together at night, and other activities where they spend time together. Make sure they have time with “just the boys” as well as time together within the family unit. Shared memories make prime bonding ground!

Don’t force the issue: If your sons really prefer to spend some time apart, allow it. It may foster further resentment toward each other to press the issue. Occasionally, everyone needs a little personal time, so allow this to happen by mutual consent.

Growing up, many things will affect the fraternal bond including hormones and age-related differences (when young, five years difference in age will make a much bigger difference than it will as adults). Some things will be within parental control, while others will not. Parents will need to be facilitators, and help guide their sons through the differences they have. In the long run, most will dissipate, and the true bond will be uppermost.