Guest Author - Debra Mittler, CHt.

by Debra Mittler, CHt.

After a long 23 year struggle I am now healthy and free. Anorexia is a serious physical and mental disorder that can be overcome with the right help. Each person is unique and special and must be treated in this way. What works for one, might not work for another.

From age 14 to the age of 32 I was in 20 hospitals and treatment centers looking and begging for someone to take this horrible and debilitating way of thinking and living away from me. I felt hopeless and discouraged and attempted to kill myself three times. I just wanted out, I couldn’t seem to stop.

Food and exercise consumed my every thought and action. I continued to get worse over the years even after going through treatment centers and hospitals. I would gain weight, but eventually lose it when I left because I never changed my destructive beliefs or concepts that were buried deep in my memory. My thoughts were always about food, weight, my body and exercise. I was so empty and lonely inside that the only way I thought I could feel better was if I was starving and exercising. Everyone around me got frustrated with me because they didn’t know what to do or how to help. They were scared and angry toward me which made the situation worse. I felt even worse about myself for the things they were telling me, and would continue to starve and exercise to escape those feelings. It was a lose-lose situation all around.

When I became anorexic, (a ‘dis-ease,’ which is a mind and body without ease)I finally got attention. It was negative, but I was being recognized. I was starving for attention and got it. There was no way I was going to give it up. It was something I had control over and no one was going to take that away from me. As time went on though it controlled me and I didn’t control it anymore. It was a program running in my mind and controlling my life. I couldn’t stop even when I wanted to.

I woke up at the same time every morning, ate the same foods at the same time everyday, and had to keep moving to burn calories. I was a robot, existing and not living. I loved it because it was familiar and I didn’t have to change and yet I hated it because I felt lonely, depressed and didn’t enjoy anything. It served a purpose as it was both a positive and negative. By being sick, I was
determined to stop the process of life. I didn’t want to grow up, be an adult or be responsible for myself. I wanted someone to show me they loved me by taking care of me.

Every time I took a step towards healing, something inside me would sabotage it and bring me right back to the anorexia. It was a powerful force that seemed impossible to stop. My rituals kept me from allowing anything new to come into my life. I was so scared of change that it seemed safer for me to stay the way I was, even if I was going to die. Starving and exercise became my friend, my comfort and my safety.