Guest Author - Pam Garlick

While on vacation Eli, our son-in-law, and I sat talking about raising kids. He made a comment that struck me funny.

“For the first nine months of Angela’s life we had everyone telling us what we should do, or how they would do things if they were raising her,” he admitted. “I think only one person said they only wanted us to listen to what they had to say, then take what we wanted from the advice or take nothing, it was up to us. It would be so much easier if a child was born with a guidebook.”

I understood where he was coming from. I, myself, had been such a young mother I had plenty of advice, too.

Listening to him, and looking back, I can see there are many well meaning people. But when push comes to shove, how can one actually write a guidebook for raising kids? Some have tried. – Okay, many have tried. Go to the bookstore and look at the shelves with advice on raising children.

There used to be a writer who was the guru of child rearing. It’s not important how many millions of books he sold, the point is, his own child had serious problems. If he knew so much, why didn’t it work with his child? Why wasn’t his own child perfectly well adjusted?

On the other hand, why do we see children with maladjusted parents grow up to be well grounded?

We could take a look at the nature versus nurture theory. – Or not. – I mean why take a look at something that basically says, we are born with certain traits, genes, characteristics, call them what you like; and we are also influenced by how we are raised and the environment around us.

So, what I’m saying is, how can someone write a book? Or, how can someone offer advice based on what worked, or didn’t work, for them when they were raising an entirely different genetic being in an entirely different environment.

They can’t. However, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t read any books on raising children, instead you should probably read several of them. And while you are at it, you should listen to all that well-meaning advice. Then do as that one person Eli mentioned suggested, take what you wanted from that advice, or take nothing.

I have four grandchildren, being raised by three sets of parents, by three different families, in different social environments. Probably the only thing they have in common is my husband and I. And we are not around most of our grandchildren enough to really be much of an influence in their lives. We can only observe, make note of what we observe, make suggestions if they are wanted, and leave it up to their parents to decide what is best for their children.

That is the best thing a grandparent, or a well-meaning friend, can do. It is unfair to try to push our opinions onto our children, even if it was gained from experience. Remember what I said about our grandchildren being individuals. That also means they may even be different from their parents. So what worked raising our children may not work for our grandchildren.

It also means that grandparents and well-meaning friends should do our best not to usurp the authority of parents. Yes, just because we are the parents of those parents, or wise friends, that doesn’t give us the right to take over. We need to honor the rules parents have set for their children. So, whether we think one more cookie won’t hurt before bed, if their parents say no more cookies, we should honor that. If we think a child should skip their nap to play a little longer, if their parents says it’s nap time, it is nap time.

Perhaps I should end this article about advice for parents by comparing it to the words of a song. “Know when to hold it, know when to give it, and know when to run.”