Guest Author - Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame is a book by Shame, Brené Brown. She's a shame researcher, and seems to have pinpointed some rather significant differences between feeling guilty, experiencing shame, and feeling humiliated. In her chapter Understanding Shame, she describes these differences – and throws in a definition of embarrassment to boot.

"We often use the terms embarrassment, guilt, humiliation, and shame interchangeably," she says. "Although there is a small group of researchers who believe that all four of these emotions are related and represent varying degrees of the same core emotion, the vast majority of researchers believe the four are separate, distinct experiences."

Brown's research supports her claim that these are four different emotional responses.

Guilt
Guilt can actually induce positive changes – but shame doesn't. Guilt and shame both revolve around self-evaluation, but shame is more about you as a person than your behavior or actions. Guilt means "I did something bad" – it's about actions or behavior. When our actions conflict with our values or beliefs, we feel appropriately guilty. Guilt can motivate us to apologize and make amends.

If you feel guilty, you're more likely to stop the behavior than if you feel ashamed. For instance, if you feel guilty that you consumed an entire package of Oreo cookies, you may be less likely to do it again in the future.

Shame
According to Brown, shame often leads to worse behavior or paralysis. Shame means "I am bad" or "I am fat and ugly" – it's about who you are as a person. Shame can lead to thoughts such as, "I'm so stupid, thoughtless, uncaring. I'm no good." Shame is about feeling like an outsider, hating yourself, painful exposure, and rejection. It's intensely painful, and makes you feel like you're flawed and unworthy of acceptance.

If you're ashamed that you ate the whole package of Oreos, you hate yourself and are likely to do it again. Shame can be the source of more destructive behaviors, not the solution (as opposed to guilt). If you feel ashamed, you're more likely to continue the behaviors that cause shame – like a negative downward spiral.

Humiliation
"People believe they deserve their shame; they do not believe they deserve their humiliation," says Donald Klein in Brown's book. If you think another person's words or actions about your own behavior are unfair and undeserved, then you feel humiliated.

For instance, you'll feel humiliated if your mother or partner says "I can't believe you ate the whole package of cookies! You have no willpower, you're fat, and you're getting uglier every day. You're worthless." Repeated humiliation often turns to shame. That is, if people insult or demean you constantly, you're more likely to feel bad about yourself. Children who are humiliated are likely to act out or shut down.

Embarrassment
Brown describes embarrassment as the least powerful of these four emotions. It's fleeting and normal. That is, the behavior is eventually funny and it's something that is generalized to all humans – such as stumbling over a crack in the sidewalk or telling a joke poorly. We know the situation will go away, and we know it happens to everyone.

"I can't believe I ate all those cookies! I slipped up, but oh well. It happens to everyone sooner or later, and it doesn't mean I'm fat, stupid, or weak." (Maybe eating a bag of Oreos will be funny in the future, maybe not. I guess it depends on your sense of humor!).

Getting over it
In I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame, Brown describes four elements of dealing with feelings of shame:
1. Recognizing Shame and Understanding Our Triggers
2. Practicing Critical Awareness
3. Reaching Out
4. Speaking Shame

She describes how to practice courage, compassion, and connection – and how to reclaim power and courage in our culture of shame. It's a helpful and interesting book, especially if you struggle with feelings of guilt, shame, humiliation, or embarrassment.