Guest Author - Carolyn Chambers Clark, RN, EdD

One of the toughest hurdles to overcome is to decide whether another person’s request of you is reasonable. Don’t look to the other person to see if the request is reasonable; the simple fact that the request was made means that the person has decided that she/he wants you to comply, regardless. Look inside yourself first: If you hesitate or hedge, or if you feel cornered or trapped, or you notice a tightness or nervousness in your body, it may mean that the request is unreasonable. Sometimes you may be genuinely confused or unsure because you just do not have enough information to know for sure.

Next, assert your right to ask for more information. Many of us grew up under the influence of such dicta as “Children should be seen and not heard,” or under religious dogma that could not be challenged. Nevertheless, the first step in asserting yourself when a request is made of you is to make sure you have all the facts. You do not need to commit yourself to a yes or no until you fully understand what is being asked of you.

Third, practice saying “no.” Once you understand the request and decide you do not want to do it or buy it, say so firmly and calmly. It is crucial that you give a simple “no,” not a complicated statement filled with excuses, justifications, and rationalizations. It is enough that you do not want to do this simply because you do not want to do it. You can accompany your refusal with a simple, straightforward explanation of what you are feeling. A direct explanation is assertive; indirect and misleading excuses are non-assertive and can get you into a lot of trouble by leaving you open for further challenge.

Finally, learn to say no without saying “I’m sorry, but…” Saying “I’m sorry” weakens your stand, and another person will play on your guilt. When you evaluate a situation carefully and decide the best thing is to say no, you have nothing to be sorry about. You will feel strong and happy with your decisions to say no.

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Adapted from The Assertive Woman (4th Edition), by Stanlee Phelps and Nancy Austin. Available at online and local bookstores or directly from Impact Publishers, PO Box 6016, Atascadero, CA 93423, www.bibliotherapy.com or phone 1-800-246-7228.