What our children might put at the top of their gift lists may never reflect what we believe would be most helpful or useful due to their special needs. Friends and family may either be so intimidated by a diagnosis that they are uncertain what toys would be appropriate, or may believe that the best selling or most popular toy for their mainstream peers is just the thing to give.

As parents we sometimes ask our children's early intervention specialists, physical therapists or teachers what toys could help stimulate, educate, or reinforce therapuetic objectives. We may also survey our children's mainstream peers, siblings or cousins to find out what toys or games are currently the most popular so that our children with a diagnosis share in the cultural history of their generation.

Online shopping can serve as a substitute for catalog shopping at home that used to aid families who did not want to subject their children to bright, busy and crowded toy departments.

But advertising works as well for children with special needs as it does for their mainstream peers - they may be dazzled by a toy they see on television and not realize that the lifestyle, relationships, and features they imagine that toy to have does not come in the box when it is brought home. Sometimes our friends and relatives are as easily misled, and so are we as parents.

Holiday gift giving season can be difficult when extended family members chose toys or games that are beyond a child's development, understanding, or ability to handle. Remember that mainstream children also receive inappropriate gifts, and it's always best to be gracious and teach our children by example how they should practice their best manners.

When he was still in preschool, evaluations showed that my son would have difficulty understanding video games and similar toys, but his uncle bought him a Nintendo game anyway. Within a week, my son understood that first game better than the rest of us after two months. Sometimes we learn things by 'happy accidents.'

When a toy or game is marketed to families of children with special needs, we might be as dazzled by educational or therapeutic features as our children are by television ads. Sometimes the technology featured in these toys are used more creatively in mainstream toys that come to market faster at less expense because there is a wider market welcoming them.

It can be frustrating to invest in a product developed for a child with special needs only to find that a mainstream toy or game based on the same technology is selling for half the price with twice the creativity. This is especially noticeable with 'speaking' toys and games. Also, children can find uses for specialty items and toys that adults may overlook.

When my son was in special education preschool, his speech therapist acquired a communication device so that he could use it to visit with Santa at a local department store. While my son played at the classroom art table, the CDS and I programmed the little computer to ask Santa for gifts that I was fairly sure Santa would bring that year.

We cut pictures of those items out of a toy catalog and ads and then called my son over to explain how the machine would work. He understood and was delighted. Then he pulled the toy catalog over to find the items he wanted us to paste on the communication buttons of the device. Some items he did receive did not interest him until neighborhood children visited and showed an interest.

If your child shows an interest in a current, expensive toy or game, but does not understand that in several months it will go on sale for half the price, you may want to teach the concept of saving money to buy something later.

Putting the first of a series of checks or cash into a special box with the name and picture of the desired item on the outside can introduce the concept of saving as well as waiting for the price to go down. Often, the item can be purchased earlier when it costs less, or a model with more features will be available. It's best to start with an item that is inexpensive - and other family members may want to try this out, too.

In some communities, advocates have developed toy lending libraries so that families can borrow the toys that specialists recommend or that other families whose child has the same diagnosis has enjoyed. In some neighborhoods, there are mainstream cooperatives that have twice yearly toy swaps so that as a child grows, the old toys can move on to a new household with younger children and they can choose from toys that other children have outgrown.

The best gift we can give our children is our time and attention. Reducing stress and increasing comfort for ourselves can help the whole family cope with holiday events that might be overwhelming to everyone involved.

Those who work at neighborhood shops and stores may not be available to relax, take time and enjoy family and friends due to the early opening and late closing of retail stores the days following Thanksgiving. Some family members may be such enthusiastic shoppers that they are away from home longer than those who must work.

Planning activities for children so they have supervised play away from the crowds may not be as high a priority for families of our children's mainstream peers, but the holiday shopping season is a perfect time to establish a childcare exchange or playgroup that provides alternatives for the younger ones.

Ordering Amazon.com Gift Certificates here will help support the Special Needs Children website